Jeremy’s Latest Triumph At PMQs – Full Report!

Hello, friends.

First of all, a confession!  [Oh dear – what have you done now, Lefty? – J.C.  If you’ll have just a little patience, Jeremy, I shall tell you! – L.]

Well, here’s the nub of the matter, which has caused me not a little embarrassment! I wrote my account of Jeremy’s latest amazing triumph in PMQs today (reproduced below) before discovering – no thanks to Jeremy, it must be said, who only told me after I’d spent a full five minutes writing it – that PMQs is not being held today! I guess it’s because Camoron can’t face yet another session of being literally torn to shreds by Jeremy’s forensic questioning, and I can’t say I blame him!  They say that “all bullies are cowards”, and Bullingdon Bully Boy Camoron has a yellow streak that’s as long as your arm and literally glows in the dark even if, like his “answers” at PMQs, it provides no illumination whatsoever by any manner of means, quite frankly!

Garbage

But, as you all know, friends, Jeremy and I are great believers in recycling absolutely everything, in our great quest to save this Earth of ours – it’s the only one we have, you know, friends, apart from all the others – and if by recycling this report of Jeremy’s latest Great Parliamentary Triumph we can cut our carbon emissions by even a few inches, then some good will have come out of this whole tawdry business, caused by, er, someone’s total incompetence.  [You having a go at me, Lefty? – J.C.  Oh Jeremy!  Don’t be so sensitive! This is me, your one and only Lefty – not Seumas! I don’t have “a go” at anyone, apart from the Far-Right Red Tory Traitors and various other troublemakers, e.g. this totally unelected Tory Government! – L.]

And then it occurred to me: if we can recycle this highly objective account of Jeremy’s triumph at PMQs, why stop at just the one time?  Age will never weary this report, nor the years condemn – and, in any case, it’s probably only a matter of weeks until Our Jeremy topples the hated Camoron, as the Tories literally fall apart over the European so-called Referendum which is purely a fig-leaf behind which there is absolutely no silver lining, and which in any case nobody wants, apart from the electorate, who needless to say have been totally brainwashed by the Far-Right Monopoly Media’s predictable lies!

Strong Message Here

So, friends, here it is: my All-Purpose “Jeremy’s Latest Triumph At PMQs” report, which you can simply bookmark and read every Wednesday afternoon, confident in the knowledge that it will tell you all you need to know about Jeremy’s latest Parliamentary Triumph!  No need to bother with watching the totally biased live screening of it on BBC2’s neoliberal Daily Politics, where the blatant misrepresentation of Jeremy’s sparkling performance is obvious even to the meanest intelligence, i.e. me, when they deliberately skew the coverage in such a way as to give the impression that all the Tory backbenchers are laughing at Our Jeremy, whereas in fact they are laughing at Camoron’s discomfort!

Are you sitting comfortably, friends?  [No!J.C.  Oh Jeremy, you are such a tease!L.] OK, then – here is my PMQs Report, available to you all free of charge (NB: donations – no matter how large – always welcome!):

JEREMY TRIUMPHS YET AGAIN AT TODAY’S PMQs!

Another sparkling performance by Our Jeremy! Wow, Camoron was really on the ropes and fit to be tied!  Jeremy fixed him with his firm stare and, with deceptive mildness, stated: “I have now asked the Prime Minister, at PMQs, a hundred odd questions. Grizelda of Coventry has written to me to ask ‘why has he totally failed to answer a single one of them?'”.

Camoron, as is his wont, immediately turned crimson red and put on his Flashman act, retorting feebly that “The Right Honourable Gentleman is very fond of asking questions! Well, anyone can just stand at the despatch box and ask questions, quite frankly!  A child of 11 could do that, quite frankly!  But it takes Brains to run a country like what I do! Which I’m sure Grizelda realises, even if the Right Honourable Gentleman doesn’t! No wonder his backbenchers want to send him to Coventry!” [Derisive laughter at Camoron’s expense.]

“I note”, Jeremy parried cunningly, “that the Prime Minister has now failed to answer the 105th question that I have asked him!  Very well, let me try for the 106th time! Will he confirm that, as Jim from Middlesborough has written to me, ‘This Government has not implemented so much as a single policy that was contained in the last Labour Manifesto. Doesn’t that show that this so-called Government cannot be trusted in any shape or form whatsoever, quite frankly?'”

This question really threw Camoron off his stride, friends!  He claimed, disingenuously, that “This Government was not elected in order to implement Labour Manifesto pledges – although, in fact, I’m pleased to say that, as part of our Long-Term Economic Plan, we have actually managed to spend a lot more than them, tax a lot more than them, and run up a much bigger National Debt than they ever did, the useless tossers!”

Do I really need to continue, friends?  [Please don’t, Lefty!J.C.]  Jeremy really had Camoron on the run, like a cornered fox that had run out of road and had nowhere to hide!  The hated Tories are now totally rattled, as the latest opinion polls show Labour’s lead stretching to as many as 2 percentage points!

***********************************

Let us sing in celebration, friends!

Friends, let us celebrate Jeremy’s latest Parliamentary triumph by – I think you can guess what’s coming! You know me so well! – singing together the chorus from our favourite anthem!  (Organ, please, Diane!)  All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,
Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,
Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,
We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

 

 

 

 

Let’s Take The Fight To The Tories, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And first of all, a very big Thank You to Jeremy, who as many of you will have noticed, has made several comments “below the line” in the last couple of blogs, namely here and here.

Which, as I said to him only last night, shows how closely intertwined he is with the grassroots of This Great Movement Of Ours!  Can you imagine Camoron, for instance, taking the time and trouble to write comments on a blog, even if it were one as influential and popular as this one?  To ask the question is surely to answer it, quite frankly!  Anyway, I’m hoping that Jeremy will continue to comment here on a regular basis, and indeed even when he becomes Prime Minister, which as all shrewd and totally objective heavyweight political commentators, i.e. myself, know is now just a matter of “if” rather than “when”!

Astonishing

Yesterday’s great Parliamentary Triumph for Jeremy at PMQs was just the icing on the biscuit, friends!  Faced with Jeremy’s prolonged and totally devastating onslaught, i.e. that the heartless Tories had callously reneged on their promise to cut benefits, proving that they were utterly untrustworthy and unable to run a whelk stall at a vicarage tea party, Camoron woke up, smelled the coffee, over-egged the pudding and then, under Jeremy’s persistent questioning,  totally crumbled, finally admitting that he was a member of Our Jeremy’s “Core Support Plus”!  Jeremy’s performance was, as ever, his best since last week’s!  He managed to PIP [A rather feeble pun, Lefty, don’t you think? J.C. No, I don’t, Jeremy! L.] Camoron to the post, making him totally lose his toe rag in the process, friends! No wonder the Tories are so terrified of him!

Friends, these are such exciting times for those of us on the Progressive Left!  The Tories are literally falling apart, as they fight like cornered rats looking for a buried treasure in a burning haystack!  Their whole so-called economic policy has been shown to be a house of cards hidden behind a smokescreen, which is sinking in to a quicksand of their own making, as all the inherent contradictions of late Fascist Neoliberalism become more and more obvious to everyone – or at least, to those of us who are not blinkered Right-wingers who’ve been brainwashed by the Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC, whose anti-Socialist bias is increasingly obvious to all those who’ve got eyes with which to hear it!

Hypocritical

But enough, friends, of what Jeremy correctly describes as “a lot of trivial tittle-tattle about so-called personalities”!  We on the Left have better things to do with our time than to dwell on the fact that – to give just one example of their sheer wickedness – the Tories are a bunch of evil, nasty sociopaths who have presided over the wholesale destruction of Our NHS, which Thatcher totally destroyed, and which is the envy of the world and elsewhere.

No, let’s leave that sort of name-calling and ad hominem attacks to the Far Right, i.e. the totally sickening Hard-Right Red Tory Traitors who should quite frankly just shut up and join the Tories, quite frankly!  Without naming any names – e.g. Angela Eagle, Hilary Benn, Mr so-called “Dan” so-called Jarvis, etc. – these people are quite frankly a thorn in the side of the elephant in the room, and should quite frankly be deListed [Groan! J.C.] before they can do any more damage to Party Unity, quite frankly! (Leave that to me.)

Tosh

Let us instead, friends, rally round Jeremy now, putting our differences to one side, and not throwing the baby out of the kitchen sink without a paddle!  We must pull our collective burned fingers out of the frying pan, quit the navel-gazing and make a clean breast of things to the electorate, because if we can promise them a fresh start and a new beginning, setting the record straight and letting sleeping dogs lie through their back teeth, they will soon be literally eating out of our hands – always provided, of course, we can appeal to them over the heads of the Far-Right Media, who as ever misrepresent Our Jeremy on a daily basis by quoting his speeches, many of which were made several years ago, and which in any case have been taken totally out of context.

Strong Message Here

Friends, we are now so close to the slippery slope leading to the Promised Land, I can practically smell the roses on the road to Damascus!  The Tories are falling apart at the seams – no stitch in time will save them now! – and are on the run, and no amount of two-faced backtracking to the middle of the road will be enough to save their skins, as their bare-faced hypocrisy is increasingly exposed as the empty sham that it is!

Supreme Power is there for the taking – and, friends, under Jeremy’s inspired and charismatic Leadership, we will grab it with a velvet glove!  Literally hundreds of billions of people are totally sick to death of the Tories and their tired, predictable sloganising and vapid cliches, and are now looking to us for a lead, and we will not – not ever, not in a million years – fail them!

Interminable

Let us all now, as befits a Blog of this standard and quality, sing together, friends!  I think you all know what!  (Did I hear someone at the back call “What?”  You are such a tease, Jeremy!  No baked beans for you tonight, then!  No, don’t worry, I’m only joking!  As were you! You see – two of us can play at this game, Jeremy!)

Yes, those immortal words from my updated version of that stirring chorus of my favourite anthem, the Red Flag.  (Diane – could you play the organ for this one, please? Thanks!)  All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,
Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,
Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,
We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

Yesterday In Parliament: Triumph Upon Triumph For Our Jeremy!

Hello, friends!

And what an exciting week this is turning out to be for those of us on the Progressive Left who cannot wait to see the back of Far Right Tory Austerity, with Government spending being slashed from £748 billions (as Our Gordon used to call them – no singular “billion” for Our Gordon!) in 2015 to £760 billions in 2016 – that’s a full £12 billions difference, friends!  And yet, there are some Hard Right lunatics, i.e. Liam Byrne, who claim that this isn’t a cut at all, and furthermore that “There is no money left”, when as we all know, we could print as much money as we needed in a matter of minutes, quite frankly!  After all, that’s what Our Gordon did when the Banksters wrecked the economy a few years ago!  Honestly, the economic illiteracy of some people!  Words totally fail me!

Absurd

Anyway, let’s move on to a much happier subject, friends!  I’m sure you all know what I want to talk about today!  (You know me so well, friends!)  Sorry it’s taken me so long, but quite frankly I’ve just been so overcome with excitement, it’s been impossible to put pen to paper, so to speak!  Celebration – in the shape of two tins of baked beans for supper, washed down with a full bottle of Irn-Bru and followed by Angel Delight (Strawberry ‘n’ Vinegar flavour), swallowed straight from the packet – has been very much the order of the day – or to be precise, night – friends!  Jeremy thought we were being rather extravagant, but as I said to him, “If we can’t splash out at a time like this, Jeremy, then when can we?  After all, May 2020 is still quite a long way off!”  For some reason, he gave me a rather strange look at this, but fortunately did not demur at the main thrust of my case, so to speak!

Even now, the full impact of Jeremy’s triumphant day yesterday hasn’t quite sunk in! The Tories really are on the run now, friends!  Camoron will, I am quite certain now, be stepping down within the next 4 years, as he wouldn’t dare fight an election with Our Jeremy as his opponent!  And I’ve heard that Boy George (as Jeremy wittily refers to him, on account of his youth and inexperience) was shaken up so much by Jeremy’s slashing speech that he needed to have a lot of Coke afterwards to calm him down! Must admit, I’m mystified as to why that rather revolting fizzy drink would have a calming effect on anyone, let alone Boy George – I’d have thought a stiff whisky or twain would have been more his style – but as Jeremy shrewdly remarked to me last night, “There’s no accounting for taste, Lefty!”

Hyperbole

Jeremy’s speech was really something, wasn’t it, friends?  Sheer modesty forbids me from revealing who wrote it, but let’s just say that it was by someone whose speech-writing skills have played a major part in giving Jeremy the sort of reputation for speech-making that he has today!  Just savour the following passage, for instance:

It’s a recovery built on sand on a budget of failure. He’s [Boy George] failed on the budget deficit, failed on debt, failed on investment, failed on productivity, failed on trade deficit, failed on the welfare cap, failed to tackle inequality in this country.

Even now, re-reading those words brings tears to my eyes, friends!  This was truly Jeremy’s Finest Hour – an Hour that we on the Progressive Left will look back on in years to come, when we’ll all say to each other, “This Hour, friends, was the Hour when Jeremy picked up the baton and, leaving no stone unturned under the carpet, proceeded to run with it all the way down the garden path and right in to the long grass, where he then proceeded to beat around the bush with it until the cows came home, in the process well and truly shooting the Tories’ fox, leaving them dead in the water and without so much as a paddle to dig themselves out of the hole that they had dug themselves in to!”

Incredible

And wasn’t Jeremy splendidly attired, friends?  That new jacket went down a treat, didn’t it?  That was sheer luck – I just happened to spot it in the nearby Islington Oxfam Shop where it was on sale for a very reasonable £35. Apparently, the man who’d donated the jacket was some geeky fellow in his 40s, who had a rather strange way of speaking and an even stranger face, who also hailed from North London, and who last May had failed totally in some sort of “major project” he’d hoped and indeed expected to succeed in. Well, his loss was obviously Jeremy’s gain!  Jeremy was a bit disappointed that the jacket fitted him so exactly – he normally likes one that’s a couple of sizes or so larger – but the red tie (only 99p!  Amazing!) settled matters, along with, almost certainly, the result of the next General Election, thanks to Jeremy’s barnstorming performance!

Strong Message Here

Well, friends, I think you know what’s coming!  But, friends, is it not so appropriate for us to sing on this happy, joyful and triumphant day?  In the words of McFadden and Whitehead, there “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now”! (maybe I should redo the lyrics of that contemporary classic for Our Jeremy?). Let us just quietly, and with the great dignity that This Great Movement Of Ours is so justly famous for, sing, at the top of our voices, that uplifting chorus from my updated version of that musical and lyrical classic, the Red Flag, which seems even more relevant than ever on this particular happy morning:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,
Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,
Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,
We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

 

ICM Opinion Poll Vindicates Everything I’ve Been Saying!

Hello, friends.  And what truly excellent news that Our Jeremy is now surging in to the lead against the hated Tories, in the latest ICM Poll, which, totally predictably, has been given no coverage whatsoever in the Far Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC.

Even more predictably, if that’s possible – which it isn’t – the Hitler-supporting so-called Daily Mail is even trying to claim that it’s a “rogue” poll!  Well, those Fascists know all about rogues, especially as they are Hard-Right rogues who, as I may have already mentioned, were supporters of Hitler until very recently, i.e. the 1930s! No wonder nobody reads that particular Far-Right rag any more, apart from a few million bigoted people who have been totally brainwashed by its predictable lies!

Delusional

Here, totally uncensored, are the stunning results, which have totally stunned me, and I guess will be stunning all of you too, once you’ve absorbed their truly stunning message:

Our Labour: A full, joyful, triumphant, landslide-election-winning 36%!

The Widely-Hated Tories: A miserable, pathetic, derisory 36%!

The Evil Fascist Kippers: A truly derisory 11%!

LibDeadbeats: 8%.  Say no more!

Our Friends In the Greens: A rather impressive 3%, which shows how our friends Caroline Lucas and Natalie Benefit speak for so many of us, when they talk about the urgent need to combat Person-Made Catastrophic Climate Chaos, e.g. by closing down the coal industry, which the hated Thatcher totally destroyed!

Incredible

OK, OK – I know that one single good polling result doesn’t lead a horse to drink the water in midstream!  It could, after all, merely be a red herring out of water, which has gone down the drain! And you shouldn’t count your chicken-feed until the cows have come home, and been put safely to bed behind the bolted stable door! Nevertheless, this truly stunning opinion poll is definitely a major tipping point, which has rightly put those of us on the Progressive Left on Cloud Nine, in Seventh Heaven and totally beside ourselves with joy!  After all, friends, if we can just play our cards right, the Tories will find themselves well and truly snookered in May 2020, when the electorate will bring the curtains down on their particular Far-Right mess of pottage!

Touching

I’m sure you can all imagine Jeremy’s reaction when, last night, I brought him the great news about our massive poll lead!  Never a man to overreact, even to news as totally joyful as this, he simply said, reflectively, whilst gently stroking his beard, “Well, Lefty, I guess that just about wraps things up. The 2020 election’s already in the bag!”  And with that typically shrewd observation, he continued nonchalantly scraping the last few remaining baked beans out of the tin, which as you all know by now – if you’ve been paying attention! – is our favourite culinary staple.

Strong Message Here

Needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway, this amazing poll result shows that Labour is now well and truly back on the road to election victory!  It is a long road, with many pot-holes – caused by Tory Cuts, of course – but at the end of that long, hard road, lies an electoral earthquake which will result in an election landslide that will make the sky fall in for the hated Tories!

Let us conclude, in joyful celebration of this major Electoral Breakthrough, with that uplifting chorus from my totally updated version of that musical and lyrical masterpiece, the Red Flag. All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,
Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,
Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,
We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

 

Austerity Is A Political Choice, Friends!

Good morning, friends, on this Sunday, which for many people is a day of Prayer and Worship.  And even if we in the Labour Party don’t have a Prayer, at least we all have Our Jeremy whom we can Worship, eh!

Well, today I return to the subject of Labour’s exciting new Economic Policy, which I spelled out in full detail last week, here.

Unbelievable, friends!

Labour’s economic policies have now been improved still further – yes I know, that’s scarcely possible! – as a result of extensive discussions between Jeremy and myself, consulting John McDonnell and his Little Read Book whenever we found ourselves running out of money, which admittedly happened rather a lot!  You know what it’s like – £100 billion here, £100 billion there, and fairly soon you’re talking real money!

Crazy neoliberalism, friends!

As we all know, the last Labour Government had a real problem with public spending, which ultimately planted the seeds of its own destruction, reaping a whirlwind which has turned out to be the thin end of a very nasty can of worms indeed!

Put at its simplest and in a way that can be understood by the meanest intelligence, i.e. myself: contrary to what the Tories claim, the last Labour Government did not cause the Great Crash by spending too much on schools and hospitals; and in any case the Tories are total hypocrites with regard to this because they pledged to match our spending, even if now they have executed a total U-turn by extreme Austerity in which they have totally destroyed Our NHS and educashun system, along with this so-called society of ours, which Thatcher claimed didn’t exist, and then destroyed.

Need for fiscal responsibility, friends!

No, the real problem was that the last Labour Government – mired as it was in the deep waters of Neoliberalism, in which it was like a drowning man trying to put out a fire by pouring oil on a quicksand – did not tax and spend nearly enough, leading to the Economic Crash of 2008 for which it was not in any way responsible – au contraire, it was totally irresponsible – and which in any case all started in America, i.e. Northern Rock in 2007.

Next time, therefore, Labour will be very different.  We will behave responsibly, by spending a lot more and taxing a lot more, all the while being totally prudent. That way, when the economic skies darken, and the pigeons all come home to roost, we will not find that the fiscal cupboard is totally bare and the stable door bolted, with the Tories all riding round on their high horses, scraping the barrel whilst totally predictably missing the woods for the grass roots!

Strong Message Here

So, friends, this is not a time  for faint-heartedness!  We need to quit clutching at straws, and instead grasp the nettle whilst grabbing both ends of the bull, throwing out the kitchen sink in to the long grass, because as we all know, idle hands butter no parsnips, and you can’t make a pig in a poke without knocking a few heads together and expelling the Red Tory Traitors from the circling wagons, quite frankly!

Being specific, we will balance the budget over a 5-year cycle. At every stage, therefore, of a Labour Government in which Jeremy and me are playing the leading roles – with more than a little help from Our John and his Little Read Book, of course! – we will be promising to break-even in 5 years’ time from whatever point we are currently at. That will maintain our reputation for fiscal rectitude for which we are justly notorious, whilst enabling us to borrow – not to spend, but to invest, e.g. in Our NHS which has been totally destroyed by the Tories, and is the envy of the world, and indeed elsewhere.

We will be every bit as prudent as Gordon was, but will of course not stoop to his Far Right Neoliberalism, discarding totally his extreme spending restraints and absurdly low taxes. That way, when the next totally predictable crisis of Monopoly Capitalism – which of course, we’ll be abolishing, along with Tory Boom and Bust – strikes, we will have a decent-sized war-chest of debt with which we can start to solve the crisis which, thanks to our shrewd foresight and extreme prudence, will in any case not arise.

Conclusion

Hope this is all clear, friends.  But if it isn’t, and there are any of you who have any queries – no matter how important! – about Jeremy’s and my (and John’s! Sorry, John – we keep forgetting you!) economic policies, then please do hesitate to contact me. Quite frankly, I’m a pretty busy man, and if you’ll forgive my bluntness – and indeed, even if you won’t – I’ve got better things to do than have to keep replying to what are at the end of the day quite frankly pretty trivial, carping, nit-picking queries from Red Tory Traitors and trouble-makers, quite frankly!  I hope I have made myself abundantly clear here, quite frankly!  Bye, friends.

 

 

 

Desperate Dan Totally Defeated By Jeremy’s Great Courage and Skill!

Hello, friends, and I’m sure you are all looking forward to tomorrow as much as I am! Yes – just in case there are any Far Right Trolls here who are not aware about such things – tomorrow marks 6 months since Our Jeremy was elevated to the position he holds today!  And in that short period, as I’m sure you are all aware, he has totally transformed the Labour Party’s electoral prospects!

Totally ridiculous

But friends, there is a cloud on the horizon – and this particular cloud does not have a silver lining!  It comes in the shape of a Trojan Horse, inside of which is a veritable Pandora’s Box, which if opened will unleash several cans of worms that, if unchecked, will totally sink the Good Ship Labour, and all who sail inside her, including Yours Truly!

I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about, friends – or, should I say, who I am talking about!  And although this Blog does not as a rule descend to talking about personalities – such trivia is for the birds in the bush – there is one particular so-called personality who is giving Jeremy and me a not-inconsiderable headache at this particular moment in time!

So, without further ado, let me spell his name out in black and white, thereby revealing this man’s true colours, as a total snake in the grass and a Red Tory Treacherous one at that, quite frankly!

Step forward, Mr. Daniel Owen Woolgar Jarvis, MP, MBE.  Notice the “MBE”, friends!  “Dan”, as he likes to call himself, is a Member of the British Empire – that notoriously outdated racist and imperialist paradigm that has now, thankfully, been consigned to the dustbin of history where it belongs, and is now kicking up the daisies in the long grass, thank goodness!

Palpable nonsense

“Dan” – who, by the way, certainly is not and never will be “Our Dan”, unlike Our Jeremy! – prides himself in having served in Britain’s totally shameful and provocative war-mongering so-called Armed Forces, where he fought against our friends in the Taliban in Afghanistan, against our friends in the Ba’ath Party in the totally illegal Iraq War, and – perhaps most disgraceful of all – against our friends in the IRA in that totally outdated relic of late British Imperialism, the totally illegitimate so-called Northern Ireland Fascist State!

And, unbelievably, friends, this sociopathic war-mongerer is now touting himself around to all who will listen – which certainly does not include Jeremy and me – as the next Labour Leader!  He even made a so-called “speech” yesterday, reproduced in the sickeningly neoliberal Labour List, which was widely derided by every heavyweight objective commentator in the land worth listening to, i.e. Jeremy and myself.

Ludicrous

Friends, this is rank treachery!  But, as we all know, there is many a slip when shooting from the lip – and Dan has shot himself in both feet with both ends of a smoking gun here!  His attempt to topple Jeremy by means of a totally undemocratic coup d’état has ended up as a wild goose chase which has truly set the cat among the pigeons, upsetting the apple cart and spilling the milk all over the kitchen!  The result being that Dan is now a dead man walking on the water, which even Our Jeremy – our modern-day JC! – cannot turn in to wine!  Which just goes to show that, if you jump from the frying pan in to the fire, all you end up doing is burning your fingers, as well as muddying the waters when the tide is on the turn!

Jeremy, by contrast, knows that actions speak a lot louder than words, and that silence is golden, especially when one is trying to change horses in the middle of the road, at which point there is a not-inconsiderable danger of being run down by both sides!

Strong Message Here

In conclusion, friends, now that Dan is, sadly, a totally discredited and broken figure, with his hoped-for political career now lying, tragically, in utter ruins, we should extend some compassion to him as we democratically deselect him and then forget him totally.

Let us now end, like Dan’s leadership hopes, with that uplifting chorus from my totally updated version of that musical and lyrical masterpiece, the Red Flag. All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,
Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,
Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,
We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

 

Jeremy’s Tribute to This Blog And Its Comments!

Good morning, friends, and if your collective ears were burning last night, here is the reason why!

Jeremy and I were talking about you all!  Yes, I know, it’s unbelievable!  But please just bear with me for a while, as it gets more unbelievable still!

A bit of context … we’d just finished our rather delicious supper of cold baked beans (straight from the tin – absolutely yummy, and no washing up needed afterwards that way!) and had enjoyed yet another stimulating episode of that excellent BBC documentary, the name of which temporarily eludes me, about the lives of ordinary working people living and struggling heroically against Tory Austerity in London’s East End, when Jeremy came right out with the following observation, which I don’t mind telling you knocked me sideways and set me bang to rights:

“Lefty”, he said – we always use first names in private – “that new blog of yours – it seems almost too good to be true, if you know what I mean.”

“Sorry, Jeremy, I don’t know what you mean!”, I rather wittily replied.  “What do you mean by ‘if you know what I mean’ in this particular context?” I queried.

“Well, Lefty”, Jeremy said slowly, “as you know, we on the Left in general, and I in particular – we’re used to getting a lot of brickbats from the Far Right Media, with lots of personal attacks on us.  Thing is, your blog is so uncritical about me, it just seems, well, as I said, almost too good to be true!”

To which I explained to Jeremy that it seemed only fair to give him, and I quote my words exactly, “a fair crack of the whip in this blog, because I know how sick you must be of all the knockers” – I couldn’t help but notice a slightly puzzled look cross his brow at the latter word – “and the whole point of this blog is to redress the balance”.

“Fair enough”, Jeremy averred.  “But even the comments underneath your pieces – they are almost 100% in support of us.  Presumably this means that you are deleting quite a few of the more critical comments that undoubtedly are being made?  It seems a bit strange that no criticisms are being made about me.  After all, Lefty” – and here he chuckled self-deprecatingly – “even I am not that perfect!”

“As it happens, Jeremy”, I stated firmly, looking him straight in the eye all the time, “I have never yet deleted any critical comments about you.  I have not needed to, because” – and at this point I had not inconsiderable difficulties in containing my pent-up emotions – “all my readers feel exactly the same way about you that I do”.

Unless I’m much mistaken – and I usually am – I detected a tear in Jeremy’s eye at this point, which he hastily wiped away with the sleeve of his new jacket which I had purchased for him at the recently-refurbished Oxfam shop in Islington High Street earlier that day.  I could also hear a slight quaver of emotion in his reply which went, to my best recollection, as follows:

“Well, Lefty, all I can say at this particular moment is how very touched and grateful I am, not just to you for your fine Blog, but also to your readers.  Some of the names there are becoming like old friends – TotallyTiredOfRefutingEULies – whose fantastic and inspiring Mass March to Liverpool has now become legendary amongst herself – Roy, Stephen, Pete, Mr. Nobbler, Wayne, Brian – who I’m quite sure from his comments is Dangerous only to Tories and Kippers! – Marx My Words (is that you, Karl?!), John (I’m sure you’re not that Old!), I Leftard (surely not!), Mr Wanderer who hails from Wycombe, Mr B. Stand who hails from Afghanistan, Mr. Bob from Swiss Land, Benthic, Irreverent Little Sheep (I think it was), Varangarian (I am too – haven’t eaten meat for years!), and, last and least, Mr. W.H. Smith. (Apologies if I’ve forgotten anybody, Old Goat! But quite frankly, your remark yesterday wasn’t too helpful, quite frankly!)  It really is a refreshing change to have constructive and helpful comments like theirs, which I have to say is a very welcome contrast to that hotbed of Neoliberalism, Labour List, which these days sadly seems to be totally infested with Tory Trolls and Red Tory Traitors.”

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Well, isn’t that just something, friends?  I bet you’re all as moved as I am!  You see – Jeremy does read the comments!

Bye for now, friends – I’m off to prepare my comments on Jeremy’s forthcoming stunning performance at today’s PMQs, in which once again he totally slaughtered Camoron!  They’ll be read out on BBC2’s Daily Politics by the fragrant Jo Coburn shortly after 12.30pm – don’t forget to tune in for my totally objective take on Jeremy’s latest huge victory!

 

 

 

 

Catastrophic Climate Chaos: The Facts

Hello, friends – although, judging from last night’s meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party, I fear that some of our so-called “friends” are in fact enemies!  But if they think they can spit in Our Jeremy’s face whilst stabbing him in the back, they have another think coming, and sooner than they think!

Nonsense, friends!

Friends, this is no time to ditch the ship’s captain, while we are all at sea!  We are in truly uncharted waters at this present moment in time, and dropping the pilot in mid-stream would only show that we had completely lost the plot! Instead, we must put our collective shoulders to the wheel, our best feet forward, our backs to the wall and our heads in the sand, and close ranks behind our Leader, and give him the loyalty that he has truly earned!

Anyway, enough of all this tittle-tattle and gossip about trivia that is of absolutely no interest to anyone whatsoever, quite frankly!  What I want to talk about today is far more important. It is, in fact, the single most important problem facing Personkind, and it is such an utterly terrifying problem that it keeps me awake all night, and often all day too.

It is a subject that makes me very angry, as I’m sure it does you, too.  And it is about time that we all rose up in revolt against it – and I don’t mean just Jeremy and me who, after all, have been revolting for years, but all of us!

Terrifying problem, friends!

I refer, of course, to the utterly terrifying problem of Global Warming, otherwise known as Man-Made Climate Change, but which I prefer to call Person-Made Catastrophic Climate Chaos (PMCCC), whose effects are daily becoming more apparent to those of us with eyes in the back of our heads, and which show no sign of abating.

And, if this weren’t bad enough, all around us are neoliberal Deniers, who have the effrontery to claim – against the firm belief of well over 100% of Climate Scientists that the Science is settled – that recent snow, rain, cold spells, warm spells, sunshine, wind, droughts, floods, etc. etc. (the list is quite literally endless) are just part of a continuously changing climate and not part of what all of us (or at any rate, those of us not in the pay of Big Oil) know is PMCCC. Our planet is literally frying, yet these people are more concerned about making a fast buck than about the rest of us literally drowning!  And then they have the effrontery to complain when we call them Deniers!

Weather is not Climate, friends!

Of course, we have had Deniers before!  There were those people who, back in the 1970s, denied the clear scientific evidence that a new Ice Age was imminent – often the same people, incidentally, who also claimed that the oil wouldn’t run out in 30 years’ time!  More recently, these same Deniers claimed – against all the Scientific evidence of the time – that the Millennium Bug wouldn’t lead to total chaos as the Year 2000 dawned, and that there would not be widespread epidemics of BSE, SARS, bird-flu, swine-flu etc. etc., wiping out of most of the human race in the process.  And despite such a track record of total denial, they still expect us to take them seriously!

Is there no limit to these Deniers’ folly?  A few years ago, they made the totally absurd claim that the run of very cold winters in the UK were not necessarily a result of Person-Made Climate Change – and not content with that, they are now claiming that the recent mild winters in the UK are also not necessarily a result of Person-Made Climate Change! (For heavens sake, Deniers!  Make your minds up!)  They also claim that there is no certainty of any link between recent freak weather events and Person-Made Climate Change – just proving that, in their total lack of Scientific knowledge, they do not understand the difference between weather and climate! Talk about deluded!

Strong Message Here

And now these evil Deniers are attempting to claim, against all the evidence – which is agreed by well over 100% of all reputable Climate Scientists, i.e. Michael Mann – that solar panels do not produce prodigious quantities of power at night, and that wind turbines do not generate much electricity when the wind isn’t blowing! Words totally fail me!

Given that the Science of Person-Made Catastrophic Climate Chaos is totally settled, and only a handful of misfits, n’er-do-wells, subversives, trouble-makers, ignoramuses, right-wing cranks, e.g. Piers Corbyn, and those in the pay of Big Oil and the 1% dispute this, is it not time that a democratic decision was made to democratically suppress these troublesome people, by classifying their comments as Denier Hate Crime?

After all, what use is so-called “free speech” when the planet is totally frying, and humankind is being literally drowned as a result of these evil Deniers’ policies?

 

EXCLUSIVE: Labour’s New Economic Policy!

Good morning, friends, and a very warm welcome to this website, which celebrates its first week of existence with the totally fantastic news that we’ve already got our millionth reader!  Unbelievable, eh!  (It may take a little longer to get the other 999,999.)

Today I’m revealing – totally exclusively to this Blog!  Eat your hearts out, you totally heartless Far-Right Murdoch/Hall-controlled Monopoly Media outlets, e.g. the Guardian, predictably peddling your racist, neoliberal filth! – the New Economic Policy that Jeremy and I have been working on over the past few weeks, aided, of course, by our good friend John McDonnell and his Little Read Book that he carries round with him at all times!

But before I get down to the details, here’s a little bit of historical context. There’s quite a bit of technical material here, friends, so please concentrate! This is Important!

Historical background: 1945-2008

The period of 1945-1979 was, relatively speaking, a Golden Age in the UK. Although there was an ongoing and totally predictable Crisis of Monopoly Capitalism, with Right-wing Labour Governments predictably selling out the working-class and starting major wars, e.g. Vietnam, living standards actually rose, despite predictable attacks from the Tories on the Labour Movement, e.g. Heath’s attack on the miners in 1974 when he refused to grant their extremely modest 87% pay claim, forcing them to work a 3-day week.  Despite these setbacks, it was a great period of socialist solidarity.

But then in 1979, something terrible happened: following the Great Popular Uprising by working people in the shape of the so-called Winter of Discontent, the Thatcher regime seized power, totally undemocratically of course, which ushered in the current era of International Neoliberalism, and totally destroyed Britain in the process.  Need I say more?

Maybe not, but I will anyway.  Thatcher was widely hated by everyone, e.g. Jeremy and myself, and as such lasted in power for less than 12 years, by which time even the Tories had had enough of her,  replacing her with the grey man with spectacles, whose name temporarily escapes me, and who was a Major disaster.

Then in 1997, Labour won the General Election under the leadership of the widely-hated Red Tory Traitor, Tony Blair.  So hated were the Tories by this point, Labour managed to win a landslide even despite the obvious handicap of being saddled with the unpopular Blair and his hideously Right-wing views.

It must be reluctantly conceded that although Gordon Brown was a predictably Far Right, neoliberal Chancellor, who out-Toried the Tories, he did in fact manage to abolish Boom and Bust, until the Banksters totally ruined everything by their totally predictable and reckless behaviour, which of course no-one could have possibly predicted, least of all Our Gordon who was, after all, only in charge of the British economy at the time.  And in any case, the Tories had publicly campaigned for the Banksters to be even more reckless and irresponsible than what they were already! Total hypocrites!

The Great Crash of 2008 and its continuing ramifications

As we all know, the Banksters caused the Great Crash of 2008, which all started in America, i.e. Northern Rock in 2007, and which in any case had been largely solved by 2010 when Labour bequeathed a growing economy to the Tories, who promptly squandered our enviable golden legacy by totally unnecessary and savage cuts, which have led directly to the dire economic straits in which Britain finds itself today. And it is in this grim economic background that Labour’s new economic policies have been fashioned, friends.

Labour’s new policies

So finally, here are Labour’s new economic policies, to deal with this latest Crisis of Neoliberalism.  We are proposing one or two very modest and indisputably fair new taxes, which no doubt the Tories will claim are “penal”; but it surely is only fair to ask those who caused the Crash, and were totally responsible for it – unlike the Labour Government, who were totally irresponsible for it – to help pay for it.

Specific tax proposals (NB: more to follow as the need arises):

  1. A Bullingdon Bully Boys Banksters Bonus Tax (BBBBBT), with a starting rate of at least 110% (higher-rate bands still being worked out by John).
  2. Stamp duty to be raised on second and subsequent homes to 98%, which will transform the housing market.
  3. A Landlord Tax of 75% on all rental income.  No tax relief on so-called expenses, e.g. repairs. (Why should the Government subsidise these Tory parasites?)
  4. Inheritance Tax at 99% on all estates worth more than £100,000.
  5. A Wealth Tax of 90% on all personal assets over £50,000.
  6. A Mansion Tax with a starting rate of 50% on all mansions, i.e. properties worth over £100,000.
  7. Corporation Tax of 50% on all company turnover (which as we all know is synonymous with profit).
  8. A special Google Tax, with a starting rate of at least 100%.

 

What will all this extra money be spent on?
These taxes have all been carefully costed, and – allied with the scrapping of Trident, along with Britain’s totally unnecessary and provocative so-called Armed Forces and the wildly unpopular Monarchy which is widely detested and hated by myself – will pay for the following, which are cornerstones of Labour’s new policy:

  1. Abolition of all Bedroom Taxes, along with Student Loans, Zero-Hour Contracts and compulsory Foodbanks.
  2. A minimum of 10 million council houses to be built per year, which will have the added benefit of totally transforming Britain’s countryside.
  3. An extra £100 billion/year for Our NHS, which is the Envy of the World, as can be seen by the sheer number of other countries who are attempting to emulate it, and which the Tories are attempting to destroy by creeping privatisation, e.g. by forcing it to provide a totally unnecessary 7-day service, which it already does in any case.
  4. A Minimum Living Wage of £35/hour, payable to everyone in – and indeed out of – work, carefully designed so that working people, e.g. students and the unemployed, no longer have to choose between eating and other essentials of life, i.e. Sky TV.
  5.  Abolition of Child Poverty, which affects more than 100% of the 99.9% of us who live in poverty.
  6. Abolition of the obscene wealth of the 1%, who own well over 100% of the wealth in the world and elsewhere.

Summary

These proposals will create a Fairer Britain for The Many, not The Few, on the lines of that highly-successful Socialist country, Venezuela, and as such is widely commended by Jeremy and myself.