First of all, a confession! [Oh dear – what have you done now, Lefty? – J.C. If you’ll have just a little patience, Jeremy, I shall tell you! – L.]
Well, here’s the nub of the matter, which has caused me not a little embarrassment! I wrote my account of Jeremy’s latest amazing triumph in PMQs today (reproduced below) before discovering – no thanks to Jeremy, it must be said, who only told me after I’d spent a full five minutes writing it – that PMQs is not being held today! I guess it’s because Camoron can’t face yet another session of being literally torn to shreds by Jeremy’s forensic questioning, and I can’t say I blame him! They say that “all bullies are cowards”, and Bullingdon Bully Boy Camoron has a yellow streak that’s as long as your arm and literally glows in the dark even if, like his “answers” at PMQs, it provides no illumination whatsoever by any manner of means, quite frankly!
But, as you all know, friends, Jeremy and I are great believers in recycling absolutely everything, in our great quest to save this Earth of ours – it’s the only one we have, you know, friends, apart from all the others – and if by recycling this report of Jeremy’s latest Great Parliamentary Triumph we can cut our carbon emissions by even a few inches, then some good will have come out of this whole tawdry business, caused by, er, someone’s total incompetence. [You having a go at me, Lefty? – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Don’t be so sensitive! This is me, your one and only Lefty – not Seumas! I don’t have “a go” at anyone, apart from the Far-Right Red Tory Traitors and various other troublemakers, e.g. this totally unelected Tory Government! – L.]
And then it occurred to me: if we can recycle this highly objective account of Jeremy’s triumph at PMQs, why stop at just the one time? Age will never weary this report, nor the years condemn – and, in any case, it’s probably only a matter of weeks until Our Jeremy topples the hated Camoron, as the Tories literally fall apart over the European so-called Referendum which is purely a fig-leaf behind which there is absolutely no silver lining, and which in any case nobody wants, apart from the electorate, who needless to say have been totally brainwashed by the Far-Right Monopoly Media’s predictable lies!
Strong Message Here
So, friends, here it is: my All-Purpose “Jeremy’s Latest Triumph At PMQs” report, which you can simply bookmark and read every Wednesday afternoon, confident in the knowledge that it will tell you all you need to know about Jeremy’s latest Parliamentary Triumph! No need to bother with watching the totally biased live screening of it on BBC2’s neoliberal Daily Politics, where the blatant misrepresentation of Jeremy’s sparkling performance is obvious even to the meanest intelligence, i.e. me, when they deliberately skew the coverage in such a way as to give the impression that all the Tory backbenchers are laughing at Our Jeremy, whereas in fact they are laughing at Camoron’s discomfort!
Are you sitting comfortably, friends? [No! – J.C. Oh Jeremy, you are such a tease! – L.] OK, then – here is my PMQs Report, available to you all free of charge (NB: donations – no matter how large – always welcome!):
JEREMY TRIUMPHS YET AGAIN AT TODAY’S PMQs!
Another sparkling performance by Our Jeremy! Wow, Camoron was really on the ropes and fit to be tied! Jeremy fixed him with his firm stare and, with deceptive mildness, stated: “I have now asked the Prime Minister, at PMQs, a hundred odd questions. Grizelda of Coventry has written to me to ask ‘why has he totally failed to answer a single one of them?'”.
Camoron, as is his wont, immediately turned crimson red and put on his Flashman act, retorting feebly that “The Right Honourable Gentleman is very fond of asking questions! Well, anyone can just stand at the despatch box and ask questions, quite frankly! A child of 11 could do that, quite frankly! But it takes Brains to run a country like what I do! Which I’m sure Grizelda realises, even if the Right Honourable Gentleman doesn’t! No wonder his backbenchers want to send him to Coventry!” [Derisive laughter at Camoron’s expense.]
“I note”, Jeremy parried cunningly, “that the Prime Minister has now failed to answer the 105th question that I have asked him! Very well, let me try for the 106th time! Will he confirm that, as Jim from Middlesborough has written to me, ‘This Government has not implemented so much as a single policy that was contained in the last Labour Manifesto. Doesn’t that show that this so-called Government cannot be trusted in any shape or form whatsoever, quite frankly?'”
This question really threw Camoron off his stride, friends! He claimed, disingenuously, that “This Government was not elected in order to implement Labour Manifesto pledges – although, in fact, I’m pleased to say that, as part of our Long-Term Economic Plan, we have actually managed to spend a lot more than them, tax a lot more than them, and run up a much bigger National Debt than they ever did, the useless tossers!”
Do I really need to continue, friends? [Please don’t, Lefty! – J.C.] Jeremy really had Camoron on the run, like a cornered fox that had run out of road and had nowhere to hide! The hated Tories are now totally rattled, as the latest opinion polls show Labour’s lead stretching to as many as 2 percentage points!
Let us sing in celebration, friends!
Friends, let us celebrate Jeremy’s latest Parliamentary triumph by – I think you can guess what’s coming! You know me so well! – singing together the chorus from our favourite anthem! (Organ, please, Diane!) All together now, friends: