EXCLUSIVE: Labour’s New Economic Policy!

Good morning, friends, and a very warm welcome to this website, which celebrates its first week of existence with the totally fantastic news that we’ve already got our millionth reader!  Unbelievable, eh!  (It may take a little longer to get the other 999,999.)

Today I’m revealing – totally exclusively to this Blog!  Eat your hearts out, you totally heartless Far-Right Murdoch/Hall-controlled Monopoly Media outlets, e.g. the Guardian, predictably peddling your racist, neoliberal filth! – the New Economic Policy that Jeremy and I have been working on over the past few weeks, aided, of course, by our good friend John McDonnell and his Little Read Book that he carries round with him at all times!

But before I get down to the details, here’s a little bit of historical context. There’s quite a bit of technical material here, friends, so please concentrate! This is Important!

Historical background: 1945-2008

The period of 1945-1979 was, relatively speaking, a Golden Age in the UK. Although there was an ongoing and totally predictable Crisis of Monopoly Capitalism, with Right-wing Labour Governments predictably selling out the working-class and starting major wars, e.g. Vietnam, living standards actually rose, despite predictable attacks from the Tories on the Labour Movement, e.g. Heath’s attack on the miners in 1974 when he refused to grant their extremely modest 87% pay claim, forcing them to work a 3-day week.  Despite these setbacks, it was a great period of socialist solidarity.

But then in 1979, something terrible happened: following the Great Popular Uprising by working people in the shape of the so-called Winter of Discontent, the Thatcher regime seized power, totally undemocratically of course, which ushered in the current era of International Neoliberalism, and totally destroyed Britain in the process.  Need I say more?

Maybe not, but I will anyway.  Thatcher was widely hated by everyone, e.g. Jeremy and myself, and as such lasted in power for less than 12 years, by which time even the Tories had had enough of her,  replacing her with the grey man with spectacles, whose name temporarily escapes me, and who was a Major disaster.

Then in 1997, Labour won the General Election under the leadership of the widely-hated Red Tory Traitor, Tony Blair.  So hated were the Tories by this point, Labour managed to win a landslide even despite the obvious handicap of being saddled with the unpopular Blair and his hideously Right-wing views.

It must be reluctantly conceded that although Gordon Brown was a predictably Far Right, neoliberal Chancellor, who out-Toried the Tories, he did in fact manage to abolish Boom and Bust, until the Banksters totally ruined everything by their totally predictable and reckless behaviour, which of course no-one could have possibly predicted, least of all Our Gordon who was, after all, only in charge of the British economy at the time.  And in any case, the Tories had publicly campaigned for the Banksters to be even more reckless and irresponsible than what they were already! Total hypocrites!

The Great Crash of 2008 and its continuing ramifications

As we all know, the Banksters caused the Great Crash of 2008, which all started in America, i.e. Northern Rock in 2007, and which in any case had been largely solved by 2010 when Labour bequeathed a growing economy to the Tories, who promptly squandered our enviable golden legacy by totally unnecessary and savage cuts, which have led directly to the dire economic straits in which Britain finds itself today. And it is in this grim economic background that Labour’s new economic policies have been fashioned, friends.

Labour’s new policies

So finally, here are Labour’s new economic policies, to deal with this latest Crisis of Neoliberalism.  We are proposing one or two very modest and indisputably fair new taxes, which no doubt the Tories will claim are “penal”; but it surely is only fair to ask those who caused the Crash, and were totally responsible for it – unlike the Labour Government, who were totally irresponsible for it – to help pay for it.

Specific tax proposals (NB: more to follow as the need arises):

  1. A Bullingdon Bully Boys Banksters Bonus Tax (BBBBBT), with a starting rate of at least 110% (higher-rate bands still being worked out by John).
  2. Stamp duty to be raised on second and subsequent homes to 98%, which will transform the housing market.
  3. A Landlord Tax of 75% on all rental income.  No tax relief on so-called expenses, e.g. repairs. (Why should the Government subsidise these Tory parasites?)
  4. Inheritance Tax at 99% on all estates worth more than £100,000.
  5. A Wealth Tax of 90% on all personal assets over £50,000.
  6. A Mansion Tax with a starting rate of 50% on all mansions, i.e. properties worth over £100,000.
  7. Corporation Tax of 50% on all company turnover (which as we all know is synonymous with profit).
  8. A special Google Tax, with a starting rate of at least 100%.

 

What will all this extra money be spent on?
These taxes have all been carefully costed, and – allied with the scrapping of Trident, along with Britain’s totally unnecessary and provocative so-called Armed Forces and the wildly unpopular Monarchy which is widely detested and hated by myself – will pay for the following, which are cornerstones of Labour’s new policy:

  1. Abolition of all Bedroom Taxes, along with Student Loans, Zero-Hour Contracts and compulsory Foodbanks.
  2. A minimum of 10 million council houses to be built per year, which will have the added benefit of totally transforming Britain’s countryside.
  3. An extra £100 billion/year for Our NHS, which is the Envy of the World, as can be seen by the sheer number of other countries who are attempting to emulate it, and which the Tories are attempting to destroy by creeping privatisation, e.g. by forcing it to provide a totally unnecessary 7-day service, which it already does in any case.
  4. A Minimum Living Wage of £35/hour, payable to everyone in – and indeed out of – work, carefully designed so that working people, e.g. students and the unemployed, no longer have to choose between eating and other essentials of life, i.e. Sky TV.
  5.  Abolition of Child Poverty, which affects more than 100% of the 99.9% of us who live in poverty.
  6. Abolition of the obscene wealth of the 1%, who own well over 100% of the wealth in the world and elsewhere.

Summary

These proposals will create a Fairer Britain for The Many, not The Few, on the lines of that highly-successful Socialist country, Venezuela, and as such is widely commended by Jeremy and myself.

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10 thoughts on “EXCLUSIVE: Labour’s New Economic Policy!

  1. This is fantastic stuff..I now totally understand why it has taken yourself and Our Jeremy (with a little help from Dear John),all these months to formulate our beloved Parties economic policy.

    I do wonder if there could be one other thing that could be done. I am totally not criticising anyone,because it is something so revolutionary,that only our best friends forever,the beacon of Socialist States,Venezuela, has thought of it.

    I suggest that all oil,petrol,diesel,gas,LPG,cooking oil and suntan oil should be free of charge to everyone,forever. The small cost should be borne by those parasite Oil Companies..but it won’t cost them much because I heard that the cost of oil has come down recently…so win..win for everyone.

    Whaddya think?

    Like

    1. Hello Mr Nobbler, and thank you for your contribution, which I read out to Jeremy while we were tucking in to our delicious and nutritious Cold Baked Beans supper this evening – straight from the tin, of course!

      I am sorry, though, to say that your revolutionary idea went down like a cup of cold sick at a vicarage tea party with Jeremy! He literally spat out his baked beans in disgust, providing me with a not inconsiderable set of dark stains on my “Jeremy4PM’ T-shirt, which are proving remarkably difficult to shift!

      The reason for Jeremy’s disgust should actually be obvious to all but the meanest intelligence, e.g. me. In this so-called World of ours, beset as it is with constant rain, sunshine, snow, mist, and other freak weather events which we of a Scientific turn of mind unanimously agree are all part of what all of us (or at any rate, those of us not in the pay of Big Oil, e.g. Piers Corbyn) know is Man-Made Catastrophic Climate Chaos, it would surely be the height of sheer dangerous irresponsibility to lower the prices of these highly-dangerous carbon-emitting fossil fuels.

      But it’s an ill wind that doesn’t have a silver lining, friend! Your comment has given John McDonald an excellent idea for how to raise further revenue – by doubling all fuel taxes within 24 hours of reaching No. 11 Downing Street! As I quipped to John, it just goes to show that not all the best ideas for fiscal policy come from his Little Read Book!

      So, thank you, friend – and keep the good ideas rolling in! Labour is not known as the Listening Party for nothing!

      Like

      1. Thank you so much for your illuminating reply. Of course,I..as a mere blob in our Great Party..am too dumb to think of all the implications that such a policy would bring,but I am glad that my small minded contribution spawned such a revolutionary concept as which that Dear John,instantaneously, has seized uopn.

        What a great mind He has.

        PS..would this Tax hike include cooking oil and suntan oil? I have thought of one other that totally should be in there as well…baby oil.

        Like

    2. I suspect Comrade Jones would object to any taxes on baby oil as it would be a direct attack on his sexuality, like tampons and dildos for lesbefriends these should not be subject to viscious capitalist charges and shoulkd be free at the point of use.

      If not free then at least well lubricated.

      Like

  2. When Jeremy wins, as he surely will, loyal Corbynites will simply march into the Banks across the country and demand the evil Banksters ‘hand over the cash’, those Banks are stuffed full of the stuff.
    We can then use this ‘peoples cash’ to rebuild society.
    We can nick the Banksters cars too, and give them to the truly loyal, I want a Ferrari.

    Like

  3. I hope that these extra corporate taxes only apply to evil American tech companies? Like all of Jeremy’s supporters, I simultaneously despise the evil Murdoch controlled media empires of this country (spit), whilst uncritically accepting all stories in the same media attacking the tax arrangements of their competitors.

    Take Google or Facebook – they’ve taken a load of advertising revenue away from the newspapers, but this doesn’t stop those same newspapers from selflessly telling everyone about their entirely legal tax arrangements in a way carefully designed to make out that they are somehow fiddling the taxman.

    Or Amazon, who are now selling on-demand TV shows in a way that definitely doesn’t make them a business rival of Sky. They sound dodgy because it said so in an article on the Sun website that one of my comrades posted on Facebook (I needed a wash in organic soap and bottled water after going onto a Murdoch website, I can tell you!).

    So please can you rewrite the UK’s corporation tax laws to suit my personal prejudices?

    Like

    1. That’s far too complicated.
      Jeremy believes, and I agree, anyone that works and becomes rich should have their wealth taken off them, because rich people are evil.
      This money should be given to the poor people who do not work.
      Keep It Simple Stupid!
      KISS xxm

      Like

  4. Earlier today I heard a gurgling noise from one of my radiators, It was on the fourth floor so I don’t know how long it has been gurgling for.

    I contacted my dear old dad, a retired plumber and he suggested i purge the system.

    I have no idea how to purge a system but was told you may be able to help.

    I await your advice.

    Like

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