Good morning, friends, on this Sunday, which for many people is a day of Prayer and Worship. And even if we in the Labour Party don’t have a Prayer, at least we all have Our Jeremy whom we can Worship, eh!
Well, today I return to the subject of Labour’s exciting new Economic Policy, which I spelled out in full detail last week, here.
Labour’s economic policies have now been improved still further – yes I know, that’s scarcely possible! – as a result of extensive discussions between Jeremy and myself, consulting John McDonnell and his Little Read Book whenever we found ourselves running out of money, which admittedly happened rather a lot! You know what it’s like – £100 billion here, £100 billion there, and fairly soon you’re talking real money!
Crazy neoliberalism, friends!
As we all know, the last Labour Government had a real problem with public spending, which ultimately planted the seeds of its own destruction, reaping a whirlwind which has turned out to be the thin end of a very nasty can of worms indeed!
Put at its simplest and in a way that can be understood by the meanest intelligence, i.e. myself: contrary to what the Tories claim, the last Labour Government did not cause the Great Crash by spending too much on schools and hospitals; and in any case the Tories are total hypocrites with regard to this because they pledged to match our spending, even if now they have executed a total U-turn by extreme Austerity in which they have totally destroyed Our NHS and educashun system, along with this so-called society of ours, which Thatcher claimed didn’t exist, and then destroyed.
Need for fiscal responsibility, friends!
No, the real problem was that the last Labour Government – mired as it was in the deep waters of Neoliberalism, in which it was like a drowning man trying to put out a fire by pouring oil on a quicksand – did not tax and spend nearly enough, leading to the Economic Crash of 2008 for which it was not in any way responsible – au contraire, it was totally irresponsible – and which in any case all started in America, i.e. Northern Rock in 2007.
Next time, therefore, Labour will be very different. We will behave responsibly, by spending a lot more and taxing a lot more, all the while being totally prudent. That way, when the economic skies darken, and the pigeons all come home to roost, we will not find that the fiscal cupboard is totally bare and the stable door bolted, with the Tories all riding round on their high horses, scraping the barrel whilst totally predictably missing the woods for the grass roots!
Strong Message Here
So, friends, this is not a time for faint-heartedness! We need to quit clutching at straws, and instead grasp the nettle whilst grabbing both ends of the bull, throwing out the kitchen sink in to the long grass, because as we all know, idle hands butter no parsnips, and you can’t make a pig in a poke without knocking a few heads together and expelling the Red Tory Traitors from the circling wagons, quite frankly!
Being specific, we will balance the budget over a 5-year cycle. At every stage, therefore, of a Labour Government in which Jeremy and me are playing the leading roles – with more than a little help from Our John and his Little Read Book, of course! – we will be promising to break-even in 5 years’ time from whatever point we are currently at. That will maintain our reputation for fiscal rectitude for which we are justly notorious, whilst enabling us to borrow – not to spend, but to invest, e.g. in Our NHS which has been totally destroyed by the Tories, and is the envy of the world, and indeed elsewhere.
We will be every bit as prudent as Gordon was, but will of course not stoop to his Far Right Neoliberalism, discarding totally his extreme spending restraints and absurdly low taxes. That way, when the next totally predictable crisis of Monopoly Capitalism – which of course, we’ll be abolishing, along with Tory Boom and Bust – strikes, we will have a decent-sized war-chest of debt with which we can start to solve the crisis which, thanks to our shrewd foresight and extreme prudence, will in any case not arise.
Hope this is all clear, friends. But if it isn’t, and there are any of you who have any queries – no matter how important! – about Jeremy’s and my (and John’s! Sorry, John – we keep forgetting you!) economic policies, then please do hesitate to contact me. Quite frankly, I’m a pretty busy man, and if you’ll forgive my bluntness – and indeed, even if you won’t – I’ve got better things to do than have to keep replying to what are at the end of the day quite frankly pretty trivial, carping, nit-picking queries from Red Tory Traitors and trouble-makers, quite frankly! I hope I have made myself abundantly clear here, quite frankly! Bye, friends.