And what an exciting week this is turning out to be for those of us on the Progressive Left who cannot wait to see the back of Far Right Tory Austerity, with Government spending being slashed from £748 billions (as Our Gordon used to call them – no singular “billion” for Our Gordon!) in 2015 to £760 billions in 2016 – that’s a full £12 billions difference, friends! And yet, there are some Hard Right lunatics, i.e. Liam Byrne, who claim that this isn’t a cut at all, and furthermore that “There is no money left”, when as we all know, we could print as much money as we needed in a matter of minutes, quite frankly! After all, that’s what Our Gordon did when the Banksters wrecked the economy a few years ago! Honestly, the economic illiteracy of some people! Words totally fail me!
Anyway, let’s move on to a much happier subject, friends! I’m sure you all know what I want to talk about today! (You know me so well, friends!) Sorry it’s taken me so long, but quite frankly I’ve just been so overcome with excitement, it’s been impossible to put pen to paper, so to speak! Celebration – in the shape of two tins of baked beans for supper, washed down with a full bottle of Irn-Bru and followed by Angel Delight (Strawberry ‘n’ Vinegar flavour), swallowed straight from the packet – has been very much the order of the day – or to be precise, night – friends! Jeremy thought we were being rather extravagant, but as I said to him, “If we can’t splash out at a time like this, Jeremy, then when can we? After all, May 2020 is still quite a long way off!” For some reason, he gave me a rather strange look at this, but fortunately did not demur at the main thrust of my case, so to speak!
Even now, the full impact of Jeremy’s triumphant day yesterday hasn’t quite sunk in! The Tories really are on the run now, friends! Camoron will, I am quite certain now, be stepping down within the next 4 years, as he wouldn’t dare fight an election with Our Jeremy as his opponent! And I’ve heard that Boy George (as Jeremy wittily refers to him, on account of his youth and inexperience) was shaken up so much by Jeremy’s slashing speech that he needed to have a lot of Coke afterwards to calm him down! Must admit, I’m mystified as to why that rather revolting fizzy drink would have a calming effect on anyone, let alone Boy George – I’d have thought a stiff whisky or twain would have been more his style – but as Jeremy shrewdly remarked to me last night, “There’s no accounting for taste, Lefty!”
Jeremy’s speech was really something, wasn’t it, friends? Sheer modesty forbids me from revealing who wrote it, but let’s just say that it was by someone whose speech-writing skills have played a major part in giving Jeremy the sort of reputation for speech-making that he has today! Just savour the following passage, for instance:
It’s a recovery built on sand on a budget of failure. He’s [Boy George] failed on the budget deficit, failed on debt, failed on investment, failed on productivity, failed on trade deficit, failed on the welfare cap, failed to tackle inequality in this country.
Even now, re-reading those words brings tears to my eyes, friends! This was truly Jeremy’s Finest Hour – an Hour that we on the Progressive Left will look back on in years to come, when we’ll all say to each other, “This Hour, friends, was the Hour when Jeremy picked up the baton and, leaving no stone unturned under the carpet, proceeded to run with it all the way down the garden path and right in to the long grass, where he then proceeded to beat around the bush with it until the cows came home, in the process well and truly shooting the Tories’ fox, leaving them dead in the water and without so much as a paddle to dig themselves out of the hole that they had dug themselves in to!”
And wasn’t Jeremy splendidly attired, friends? That new jacket went down a treat, didn’t it? That was sheer luck – I just happened to spot it in the nearby Islington Oxfam Shop where it was on sale for a very reasonable £35. Apparently, the man who’d donated the jacket was some geeky fellow in his 40s, who had a rather strange way of speaking and an even stranger face, who also hailed from North London, and who last May had failed totally in some sort of “major project” he’d hoped and indeed expected to succeed in. Well, his loss was obviously Jeremy’s gain! Jeremy was a bit disappointed that the jacket fitted him so exactly – he normally likes one that’s a couple of sizes or so larger – but the red tie (only 99p! Amazing!) settled matters, along with, almost certainly, the result of the next General Election, thanks to Jeremy’s barnstorming performance!
Strong Message Here
Well, friends, I think you know what’s coming! But, friends, is it not so appropriate for us to sing on this happy, joyful and triumphant day? In the words of McFadden and Whitehead, there “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now”! (maybe I should redo the lyrics of that contemporary classic for Our Jeremy?). Let us just quietly, and with the great dignity that This Great Movement Of Ours is so justly famous for, sing, at the top of our voices, that uplifting chorus from my updated version of that musical and lyrical classic, the Red Flag, which seems even more relevant than ever on this particular happy morning: