Hello again, friends.
And I expect that you are all looking forward as much as I am to Jeremy’s forthcoming triumph in PMQs later today, in which once again he literally slaughtered Camoron, as reported in my Blog two weeks ago. Wow! Jeremy just gets better and better, doesn’t he, friends? No wonder the Tories are utterly terrified of him!
Well, today’s Blog is, as I’m sure you’ve all shrewdly deduced, all about Tax Avoidance, which, as we all know, is exactly the same thing as Tax Evasion, whatever the Far Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the Guardian, may claim!
And we on the Progressive Left are determined to change this. Why, friends, should anyone get away with paying less tax than I want them to, just because the law allows them to do this? Just imagine if this sort of attitude became widespread in our so-called society – which Thatcher denied the existence of, and then destroyed – friends! What other despicable practices would people think were OK, just because they weren’t illegal? At this rate, we’ll be sending children up chimneys next! Honestly, the sheer wickedness of the Tories really gets my goat, making me want to kill two sacred golden geese laying broken eggs in the bush for the price of one silver lining, and totally blow my top, quite frankly! [Steady on, old boy! – J.C. Oi, Jeremy – enough of the “old”! You’re not exactly a spring goose yourself, are you? – L. OK, Boss – you win! – J.C.]
Quite frankly scandalous
Friends, it is an absolute scandal that the 1% get away with paying only 27% of total income tax. Since they own well over 100% of all the wealth in the world, surely it is only fair that they should pay well over 100% of the taxes?
And, friends, I am quite frankly fed up to the hind teeth with hearing that tired old canard about how the rich “pay a lot of tax already”! Until there is a far more equal and fair distribution of the extreme poverty and shocking deprivation that scar and shame this so-called society of ours, then as far as Jeremy and I are concerned, “a lot” can never be enough, quite frankly!
Fiscal responsibility is important, friends
Having discussed this matter with Jeremy and John (he of the Little Read Book fame), we have concluded that the best, and fairest, way of stamping out tax avoidance is a Tory Tax.
This new tax will be imposed on the following people:
- Those who have voted Tory in the past.
- Those who have considered voting Tory in the past.
- Those who might be prepared to consider voting Tory in the future.
- Those who are not prepared to rule out ever voting Tory in the future.
- Those who have had dreams about voting Tory, whether in the past or in the future.
- Far-Right Red Tory treacherous scum, i.e. anyone in the Labour Party who doesn’t support Our Jeremy to the hilt, who in any case will soon be totally crushed by the mass power of working people, i.e. students. (Leave this to me.)
- Tories, e.g. anyone who doesn’t support this very fair tax.
- Anyone else not covered by categories 1-7 that Jeremy and I don’t like the look of.
NB: A special extra 50% surcharge will, of course, be levied on anyone for whom the word “UKIP” is applicable in categories 1-5 and 7-8.
This new tax will be as fair as it will be simple. The starting rate will be 100% (150% for UKIP), with higher-rate bands whose levels will be determined as soon as John has managed to work out from his Little Read Book just how many extra hundreds of billions are needed to save Our NHS, which the Tories have totally destroyed, and which is the envy of the world and elsewhere.
How the Tory Tax will work in practice
It will work in practice because we say that it will; and it will enable us to abolish all Bedroom Taxes and save Our NHS, etc.
Needless to say, there will doubtless be all kinds of Far-Right trouble-makers, subversives, n’er do wells, Red Tory traitors, knockers (I hate knockers! Don’t you, friends?) and Moaning Minnies who will predictably claim that this Tory Tax is unworkable, and that it will merely cause wealthy people, e.g. Banksters and the 1%, to emigrate to other countries with “less penal” taxation, e.g. the totally illegitimate Hong Kong Fascist State.
Strong Message Here
To which Jeremy and I say: if such people choose to be so venal as to avoid (i.e. evade) their taxes, and thereby abdicate their moral duty to their fellow human beings – and there is only one Human Race, friends, apart from all the others – then quite frankly, as far as Jeremy and I are concerned, we are better off without them! Good riddance to all of those wealthy parasites which we in the Labour Party are more than happy to see the back of, quite frankly! We can do very well without them and their obscene wealth, thank you!
Let us finish, friends, on our usual jolly, happy, friendly musical note! Diane’s off sick with a gammy stomach (I did warn you, Diane, about that rather dodgy-looking KFC bucket that you “borrowed” from the tramp – BTW, Jeremy, if that was you, that was a very cunning disguise! – in Islington High Street!), so Emily has kindly agreed to play the organ today – thanks Emily! All together now, friends: