And today, I bring the gravest warning yet of the perils of Brexit.
In an exclusive interview with this Blog, the Dark Lord of Mordor, Sauron, has warned that any attempt by Britain to leave the EU “will be met by the utmost resistance, with consequences that are quite literally incalculable”.
Friend Sauron expressed extreme displeasure at what he called the “totally xenophobic” attitude of the Leave Campaign, claiming that Mordor was “highly unlikely” to join the EU for many years – and at any rate, certainly not before June 24th – as it had not yet managed to
fudge meet the EU’s “extremely strict” rules for joining. For instance, the excessive carbon emissions from the Cracks of Doom were just one problem that had yet to be resolved, although some executives from Volkswagen were providing some “highly useful advice” on this matter.
Racist Leavers, friends!
“Why you British are so obsessed about this ‘sovereignty’ business, I’ll never understand”, sighed Friend Sauron, as his personal assistant, Friend Gollum, scuttled around, hissing angrily about “the nasssssty Leaverssssssss” and muttering ferociously about his “precious EU”.
“After all”, he continued, “what is sovereignty, in this day and age? We need to pool our sovereignty for the Common Good, and stop obsessing about all this ‘self-determination’ nonsense”, he added.
When I asked him why he was so eager for Britain to be part of the EU, when Mordor was not yet a member, he went rather quiet for a moment. Then, weighing his words carefully, he averred that Britain had always “held a special fascination” for him, but that he thought it was “very out-of-date in its outlook”, and that it was “high time to ring [Groan! – J.C.] the changes, in order to bring about the kinder, gentler politics that I gather many of your
politicians far-sighted statespersons want to bring about, who are being thwarted by undemocratic elements, i.e. the British people”.
The Positive Case for Our EU, friends!
Friend Sauron told me that Mordor has “a lot to contribute to the way Our EU is proceeding”, praising what he described as “the unique way in which the EU is funded”, and “the remarkable way in which laws are made, which do not depend on anything as fickle as so-called public opinion for them to be passed”.
He assured me that Mordor was “extremely eager to play its full part in the New Europe that is being created under the inspired leadership of Mrs Merkel”, and pledged that “my Ring Wraiths will of course be only too happy to ensure that all of her plans are implemented”. Asked how this could be achieved, he explained that his Ring Wraiths were “exceptionally good at detecting and preventing all forms of Hate Crime, e.g. Hate Speech and Hate Thought, which are inevitable concomitants of Hate Action”.
“Hate Action?”, I queried Friend Sauron, not quite sure what he meant.
His reply was grave: “Friend Lefty, Hate Action is any action which is liable to in any way interfere with the plans that we have already set in motion for a New Europe, e.g. a vote to Leave. Let me make it absolutely clear” – his red, lidless eyes seemed to grow ever-more penetrating at this point – ” that the new, kindler, gentler Europe will have no place for Far-Right Neoliberal Fascism, and that all forms of intolerance will be utterly SMASHED!” At this last word, he brought his fist crashing down, in the process utterly destroying the rather beautiful oak table we were seated at.
A warning, friends!
I was about to remonstrate with him for the needless destruction he had wreaked, when he vanished in to thin air, along with Friend Gollum, leaving behind only a trail of evil-smelling, putrid, black smoke in his wake.
Could all of this have been a dream, friends? For a minute or two I wondered about this, especially when, as the thick smoke cleared, I could see that the oak table that Friend Sauron had smashed in to smithereens was seemingly whole again.
But then, peering at it more closely, I could see an inscription that had been carved in to the table top. It read as follows:
Three Rings for the EU Presidents under the sky,
Seven for the EU Commissioners in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
Friends, if this timely warning from Friend Sauron is not enough to make you all vote Remain, then I quite frankly despair! Let us now sing, in celebration of his timely intervention, our Ode To EU, which I’m sure you all know by now: