Friends! My apologies for this Blog not being entirely, er, up to speed on current events.
I wrote the piece below, about Our Remain Camp’s stunning victory today, yesterday, before the truly devastating events of last night became apparent.
Friends, this is the worst news for those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – since Our Ed’s stunning defeat in last year’s totally rigged Election, which we only lost because of the vicious Exit Poll!
I shall need to revise this Blog somewhat, friends. Please bear with me. I shall return in due course.
ORIGINAL DRAFT: Hello, friends. And I have a feeling that all of you are as happy as I am about the great victory that we on the Progressive Left – e.g. Our Goldman Sachs, Our CBI, Our IMF, Our Treasury, Our Government, Our Dave, Our George – have won against the forces of Far-Right racist neoliberal Fascism, e.g. Dennis Skinner, George Galloway, Arthur Scargill and the Socialist Workers Party! Friends, let us pause to consider what we have achieved in the last few weeks of campaigning! Against all the odds – and against the ferocious opposition of the entire Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC, whose blatant anti-EU bias has been obvious to even the meanest intelligence, i.e. me – we have pulled off a stunning victory, which has totally stunned me, and I’m quite sure is stunning all of you in its sheer, overwhelming stunningness. Puzzled, friends! I have to confess, though, friends, that one thing has puzzled me slightly, and maybe some of you can help answer this question for me: Why, friends, is Jeremy seemingly not totally overjoyed by this, er, stunning victory that we have pulled off in the teeth of Far-Ri [OK, OK, Lefty, no need to keep on bloody repeating yourself. – J.C. Really, Jeremy! You do seem remarkably tetchy on this totally joyful morning! – L. No comment! – J.C.] See what I mean, friends? And Jeremy has been like this ever since the results started coming in last night. For some reason, as the scale of our victory over the Far-Right became steadily clearer, his face darkened, his mood got steadily worse, and his speech increasingly consisted of short words that cannot possibly be reproduced in a Blog that is intended for family reading by the fireside – nor, come to that, even in this Blog. Strong Breakfast Here, friends! At breakfast this morning, Jeremy didn’t even finish his baked beans, friends! He snapped at Diane, told Seamus to – I quote his words exactly – “Piss off, you poncy public school git!” and even kicked the cat, or would have, had he had one. Well, friends, despite Jeremy’s rather foul mood, I’m Remaining (geddit! Who says that those of us on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour?) resolutely upbeat, as the scale of our victory becomes steadily more apparent! And I shall Leave [Oh just fuck off, Lefty. – J.C. Gosh, Jeremy – you really did get out of the wrong side of bed this morning! – L. I didn’t go to bed last night, Lefty, as you well know. – J.C.] you all, on this totally joyful morning, with my fully-updated version of Ode To EU, which reflects the great victory that we on the Progressive Left have achieved. All together now, friends: