And despite the extreme subtlety of the headline, I have a feeling that most of you will be able to, as it were, read between the lines and shrewdly guess what – or, to be strictly accurate, who – this particular Blog post is about! (After all, I know what an Eagle-eyed lot you are, friends!)
Friends, those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – have many, many enemies, and not just in this particular world. And if the new, kinder and gentler politics that Jeremy and I have promised to usher in to this world – and indeed elsewhere – are to prevail, it is essential that we mobilise the mass power of working people, e.g me, to totally crush those who would stand in the way of those of us who wish to turn Britain in to a truly Democratic Socialist State on the lines of that quite remarkably successful country, Venezuela.
Totally crazy neoliberalism, friends!
So, friends, who is this latest Far-Right Red Tory Traitor, this snake in the long grassroots, this worm that has finally turned down the garden path, this pestilential pest that is undermining the body politic, which is now corroding the very foundations of all we hold dear, i.e. Jeremy?
Fear not, friends: I shall tell you!
Step forward, Ms Angela so-called Eagle, who not content with stabbing Jeremy in the back last month by resigning her position as Shadow Deputy Under-Secretary Of State For Assorted Stationery Items With Special Responsibility For Paper-Clips, is now spitting in his face by – quite unnecessarily and provocatively, as well as totally undemocratically – standing against him as Leader of This Great Movement Of Ours!
Rank treachery, friends!
Friends, this is rank treachery! Does Ms Eagle – who, by the way, is not and will never be “Our Angela”, unlike Our Jeremy! – not remember Jeremy’s recent 40-vote triumph in the Parliamentary Labour Party’s Confidence Vote in him, as reported exclusively in this Blog? Or the fact that Jeremy is going nowhere, and all of us on the Progressive Left are determined to follow him every step of the way there?
And, friends, can Ms Eagle really be so shameless as to put herself forward so brazenly as Leader, when she has not even been selected from an all-women shortlist for this position? Talk about sexist behaviour, friends! And besides, it’s not even her turn to be Leader! She should just go and join the Tories!
Friends, this is no time to ditch the captain, when we on the Progressive Left are all at sea! Let us instead steer the ship, with all hands on deck, in to calmer waters, from where we can go right up the creek without being totally holed below the waterline!
Strong Message To Friend Angela Here
And, Friend Angela – if I may appeal to you directly, with all the authority that this Blog naturally commands on the Progressive Left [Ha! – J.C.] – please, friend, remember that Loyalty to the Party is the most important thing of all in politics, as well as being something that Jeremy has always been notorious for.
If, though, friend, you should choose to persist in this act of gross disloyalty to Jeremy – who, let it never be forgotten, was elected by 250,000 odd people only 10 months ago – I will have no choice but to place you on my List of Far-Right Red Tory Traitors For Deselection [Hang on, Lefty – isn’t she already on that list? – J.C. If you’ll just let me finish my sentence, Jeremy, all will become clear! – L.] for a second time. [OK, Lefty – but what difference would this actually make? – J.C. Oh Jeremy, you can be so dense sometimes! It means she’ll be on the list twice! – L. Oh, right, whatever. – J.C.]
And if, friend, you persist in this particular course of destructive action, enabling this totally unelected Tory Government to literally trample all over the bodies of working people, i.e. students and the unemployed, you will be responsible – and we on the Progressive Left will be totally irresponsible, as we always are – for this calamitous state of affairs.
Let us sing, friends!
And, after a rather “heavy” Blog – sorry about that, friends, but even we on the Progressive Left sometimes need to be serious! – let us now finish on what I know is the highlight of this Blog for many of you! Let us sing together, in celebration of Jeremy’s forthcoming stunning victory over the forces of darkness, i.e. You-Know-Who, friends! A clue: The Eagle Has Crash-Landed! (Who says that we on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour?!) All together now, friends: