And I am extremely disturbed – which I’m sure comes as no surprise to any of you by now, friends – to hear that certain scurrilous rumours are being peddled by the Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. this Blog [Some mistake surely, Lefty? – J.C.] to the effect that I – increasingly disillusioned by Jeremy’s increasing drift towards Hard-Right Neoliberal Fascism, e.g. his lack of enthusiasm for Our EU – am planning to make a bid for the Labour Leadership.
Nothing could be further from the truth, friends! As I said only the other month, Jeremy is going nowhere, and I shall follow him every step of the way there.
Friends, let me make this absolutely clear – so clear, in fact, that it can be summed up in just one word of just one syllable in one sentence of one paragraph, spelled out in black and white:
Friends, I do not want to be Leader of the Labour Party! I never have, and I never will! It is absolutely literally the last thing on my mind! Apart from anything else, I do not have the ability to totally compromise and sell out my true Socialist principles, in exchange for a Far-Right mess of pottage! Nor do I possess the rather sordid lust for sheer unbridled power that so many aspiring leaders (no names, no packhorses, friends!) have!
In addition, I am very concerned that, should I become Leader, so great would be my popularity and success as a result of my natural charm, charisma, good looks, extreme modesty and impeccable Progressive Left policies, e.g. my unwavering support for Our EU, I would be an impossible act to follow when – as happens to all Party Leaders, even one as overwhelmingly loved as I would undoubtedly be – in 2045 or thereabouts, following the Labour Party’s 6th consecutive landslide election victory under my Leadership, I decided of my own volition to step down in order to spend more time with my
Never say never, friends!
But, friends [There’s always a “But” with you, isn’t there, Lefty, you treacherous snake, you! – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Don’t be so paranoid! And please stop but-ing in! (Who says that we on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour, eh!) – L.], of course, should Jeremy decide of his own volition at some distant point in the future, e.g. next week, to
be forced out step down, and if all my many friends on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – begged me to stand, I might be prepared to consider it, despite all my reservations. [I always said you were after my job, Lefty. – J.C. Friend, friend, friend! I am not “after your job”, Jeremy! This is not something I want, not at all. – L. Pull the other one, Lefty, it’s got a bell that’s tolling for you on it. – J.C.]
Principled Socialist policies, friends!
- I will serve Our Great Party to the best of my abilities, which I think I can truthfully say are not inconsiderable.
- I will unite This Great Movement Of Ours against all the Far-Right Racist Neoliberal Fascists who threaten this world, and indeed elsewhere, with their blinkered intolerance and bigoted views. These people must be totally smashed, friends!
- We will be an extremely tolerant Party under my Leadership, friends. Anyone who disagrees with me will be shot. (Only joking, friends!)
- Under my Leadership, everyone will be treated equally, especially Me.
- We shall tackle the extreme Right-wing bias of the Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC, whose anti-Socialist bias is obvious to even the meanest intelligence, i.e. me.
- We shall nationalise the means of production, distribution and exchange, without compensation, placing them under the full control of working people, e.g. students and the unemployed.
- Most important of all, I will take Britain back in to Our EU, without a Referendum, nor indeed a vote in Parliament. (We, the 48%, have already spoken, friends, and as the majority, we will prevail.)
- Anything else not covered here will be sorted out as soon as I ascend to Supreme Power.
Let us sing in celebration of my Leadership of the Labour Party, friends!
And now, friends, let us all gather together, as we always do, to sing, on this particularly joyful day for
me us all! No backing band is available, as I have just sacked the entire Shadow Cabinet, and indeed, Parliamentary Labour Party, including, I’m sorry to say, Jeremy. [You fucking treacherous bastard, Lefty! I always said you were an untrustworthy git. – J.C. Now, now, Jeremy! Let’s be dignified about this. We need the best person for the job, and that just happens to be me. End of. –L.] They’re all just a bunch of Far-Right Neoliberal Fascists, friends, and they simply had to go.
Please join with me, friends, in singing my latest version of that famous chorus of the Red Flag where, as regular readers will see, a couple of minor changes in wording lifts the whole tone of the piece. All together now, friends: