And I expect that all of you are as happy as I am that
the Far-Right Neoliberal Red Tory Traitor Eagle Friend Angela has now ducked out of challenging Jeremy very wisely decided to put the interests of the Party above all else – and the Party is bigger than any of us, friends, even me – by withdrawing from what would have been a totally destructive and pointless Leadership Contest, in which she would have been literally slaughtered, as part of the new, kinder and gentler politics. And at the risk of sounding immodest, I suspect that her decision was not uninfluenced by a certain somewhat influential Blog, which warned her of the dire consequences of standing, which potentially could have been as fatal to this world, and indeed elsewhere, as that of Brexit.
But, friends – and there is seemingly always a “But” as far as the modern Labour Party is concerned – there is still a cloud on the horizon. It is a cloud which at present is no bigger than a small Pandora’s Box, but if opened, it will release the seeds of the total destruction of those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – by unleashing all the brute force of a Hard-Right pig in a poke that has escaped from the bolted stable door and made a run for the Socialist hills, quite frankly!
What is this terrifying threat? I can hear you all ask. [You got voices in your head again, Lefty? You should go and see a doctor! – J.C. Jeremy, this is no time for irreverence! And in any case, you know as well as I do that this totally unelected Tory Government has totally destroyed Our Doctors, who are the envy of the World, and indeed elsewhere. – L. Fair point, Lefty! – J.C.] Or rather, who is the latest threat to all that we hold dear in this world, i.e. Our Jeremy?
Well, friends, I have to confess that, despite extensive research, my intelligence is limited [You said it, Lefty! – J.C. Jeremy – behave! – L.] as far as this particular threat is concerned.
When Jeremy and I were first alerted to this terrifying new threat, I must confess that we were rather puzzled when we heard, whilst munching the last remnants of our Couscous-with-Angel-Delight supper to the opening strains of BBC News At Ten, that “Owen Smith” was standing against him.
“Oi Lefty, what’s this about Owen Smith standing against us? I thought he was one of us? His articles in the Guardian always seem pretty supportive, and in any case, he’s a journalist, not a Labour MP. So surely, he can’t stand against us?”, Jeremy asked me, with a rather puzzled expression on his face.
Rank treachery, friends!
I have to confess, friends, that I was almost as alarmed as Jeremy by this latest piece of shocking news. But, friends, it all turned out to be based on a dreadful misunderstanding!
Friends, Jeremy and I had inadvertently confused – and I am often confused, friends – “Owen Smith”, who is apparently some obscure Far-Right Red Tory Labour MP that no-one – least of all leading figures in the Labour Party, e.g. Jeremy and me – had heard of, with Master Owen Jones, 19-year-old Progressive Left journalist on that Far-Right racist neoliberal rag, the so-called Guardian!
Anyway, friends, I can’t tell you how many hours Jeremy and I spent that night trying to find out more about the hated Far-Right Smith! No-one – not even Seamus or Diane – had ever heard of him!
Then, friends, at around about 4 in the morning, when all hope of establishing the identity of this “Smith” was almost extinguished – Jeremy grumbled that we couldn’t even find him in the Labour Party Membership lists, although admittedly it’s hard finding anyone there amongst the several hundred thousand odd people who have, hearteningly, joined in the last year – I suddenly had a Eureka moment!
“Jeremy!”, I exclaimed, barely able to contain my excitement. “Maybe this so-called Owen Smith is on my List!”
“What list are you talkin’ about, Lefty?”, mumbled Jeremy rather grumpily – I couldn’t help but observe that this long night of searching for the elusive Smith had taken its toll on both his mental and physical condition.
“Oh Jeremy!”, I retorted gaily – the scent of a breakthrough was now coursing through my nostrils, like the last straw that has finally broken the back of the Trojan Horse – “surely you haven’t forgotten? My List of Far-Right Red Tory Traitors To Be Deselected!”
Smith on the List, friends!
And, sure enough, when we looked at the List, there in black and white was the hated Owen Smith, with all of his Far-Right Red Tory treacherous colours on full display!
Strangely enough, Jeremy didn’t seem quite as excited about this news as me, friends! But I’m sure you know as well as I do that any Far-Right Red Tory Traitor who is on my List cannot possibly avoid the fate – which is bound to happen later or later – of being totally crushed by the mass power of working people, i.e. me, friends!
A terrifying warning from this Blog to Mr Owen so-called Smith, friends!
So, Mr Owen so-called Smith! Do your worst! Just remember – you are opposed by all the Progressive forces in this World, and indeed elsewhere, i.e. this Blog! Remember, too, that we on the Progressive Left have long memories, and we will not forget you, Mr. Owen so-called Jones! [It’s Smith, Lefty! – J.C. OK, OK, Jeremy – no need to be such a smartarse! Smith, Jones, whatever. – L.]
Let us sing together, friends!
And now, friends – welcome to all our newcomers, by the way! We’re a friendly little community here, as you can see! – it’s time for our traditional sing-song, which today is dedicated to Jeremy’s forthcoming massive victory, in which the Far-Right Neoliberal Jones [For the last time, it’s Smith, Lefty, dammit! – J.C. Friend, friend, friend! What’s in a name? – L.] will be totally defeated by 600,000 odd members of the Labour Party in a democratic vote in September! All together now, friends: