And I expect that you have all heard about the distressing journey that Jeremy and I endured on the Hard-Right Virgin Rail last week, in which, due to total incompetence by the hated Branson, Jeremy had to spend the entire journey on the floor, owing to the fact that not a single one of the tiny handful of a few dozen empty seats on the train were labelled “For use of Jeremy Corbyn and other leading figures in the Labour Party, e.g. Friend Lefty”, thereby making it literally impossible for us to sit in them.
And to think that some people still claim that Far-Right Rail Privatisation is not an utterly disastrous neoliberal failure, friends!
I have to confess, friends, that I have no idea why Jeremy wanted us to go to Newcastle in the first place. And a week later, I am still no wiser. [You said it, Lefty! – J.C.] But, as a faithful servant of his [Ha! – J.C.], I naturally obeyed his orders without question.
Nor do I understand, friends, why Jeremy described the train as “ram-packed”, as I did not see a single ram on board, and in any case was not aware that livestock of any description could be carried on passenger trains.
But enough of these tiresome neoliberal distractions, friends! Let’s do some deep thinking instead!
An answer, friends!
And after much deep thinking about the problem, I have now come up with an answer to this appalling state of affairs which is, friends, blindingly obvious to all but a few blinkered Far-Right ideologues who refuse to hear it! It can be summed up in just one word of one syllable in one sentence of one paragraph, spelled out in black and white, namely:
Britain’s so-called railway system is a Far-Right neoliberal joke, friends! Fares are literally sky-high, which means that literally nobody can afford to travel by train any more, which is why it is literally impossible to get a seat, as they have literally all been taken by the Banksters and members of the 1%, i.e. the hated Blair.
Fortunately, friends, the answer to this intractable problem is literally staring us in the face: Renationalisation of the railways without compensation, so that they can once again attain the standard of service that they achieved in the 1970s, which Thatcher totally destroyed.
Grave errors, friends!
Of course, friends, we will not repeat the errors made when the railways were first nationalised in the 1940s. Those errors were grave ones, friends, whatever they were, so they will not be repeated. Friends, they will not be repeated. We will certainly not repeat them, friends. I hope I have made this abundantly clear, friends.
This time, naturally, things will be different. We will transform Britain’s railways so that they will be the envy of the world, and indeed elsewhere – just like Our NHS, in fact, which Thatcher totally destroyed.
Friends, the current level of Britain’s rail fares is literally ridiculous! Even though we bought advance tickets a full five minutes before our train was due to depart, we had to literally pay a fortune! It would have literally been cheaper for us to cycle to Newcastle! And then we were told that if we wanted reserved seats, we would have to reserve them first – talk about a typical shabby neoliberal trick, friends!
And if that wasn’t bad enough, friends, we were then informed by the Far-Right Virgin running-dogs that we couldn’t even reserve places on the train floor! We were told that this was “strictly first come, first served”!
What a contrast, friends, this all was compared with the halcyon days of British Rail when there were always literally hundreds of empty seats on every train! No wonder that British Rail was so popular, friends!
So, friends, what is the solution to this intractable problem? I can hear you all ask. [You got voices in your head again, Lefty? You really need help! – J.C. The only voices I have in my head, Jeremy, are Socialist ones, so there! – L.]
The answer, friends, is as devastatingly simple as it is devastatingly original. We must renationalise the entire railway system, without compensation, to be run by working people for working people, i.e. students and the unemployed, starting with the Hard-Right Network Rail. [Hang on, Lefty – isn’t Network Rail already in public ownership? – J.C. Ah, fair point, Jeremy. Well, let’s nationalise it again anyway, just to be on the safe side – after all, we’re not paying any compensation, so it won’t cost anything. – L. Oh right – whatever. – J.C.]
And then, friends, let us progressively take over the franchises of the so-called Train Operating Companies, or TOCs as they are more widely known. The clock for public ownership will then truly be tick-TOCking away! (Not a bad little pun there, eh friends! And to think that there are Far-Right elements who claim that those of us on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour!)
Strong Message Here
Once this has all been accomplished, friends, we can look forward to a new Golden Age for the railways, as they were in the previous era of public ownership, when barely half of the network was closed down, and when British Rail’s reputation for cleanliness, reliability and punctuality was unparalleled in this world, and indeed elsewhere.
Let us sing together, friends!
And now, friends, the moment that I know many of you have been waiting for! Sorry it’s been such a long time since my last Blog, by the way – all this travelling around on train floors is a pretty time-consuming business, you know!
Yes, it’s time for our little sing-song! (Organ, Diane! Thanks!) All together now, friends: