A Full, Comprehensive And Totally Objective Review Of Jeremy’s Literally Spell-Binding Speech To The Labour Conference, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And what a week this is turning out to be for those of us on the Progressive Left, eh friends!  I am still literally reeling from Jeremy’s barnstorming speech to the Labour Conference this afternoon, which every objective and heavyweight commentator in the land, i.e. me, has unanimously agreed is easily his best speech since his previous one!

I do hope you all saw Jeremy’s speech, friends, which literally raised the roof, and had the audience literally cheering him to the rafters!  The sheer force of his oratory was literally a wonder to behold, as could be seen from the fact that by the end, he had his audience literally eating out of his hand!

Confession, friends!

Unfortunately, friends, I didn’t actually see the speech, as I was feeling pretty tired from a Mass March Against Far-Right Tory Austerity, attended by myself, this morning. Nonetheless, I had fully intended to watch it, as I have a small portable black-and-white television in my bedroom at the top of Jeremy’s house – I am literally “in the attic”, friends! – which I reserve for important events like this one.

Alas, things did not turn out quite as I had planned. I had, you see, friends, decided to, as it were, literally “take things easy” by watching Jeremy’s speech live on the Hard-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, i.e. the Far-Right “Daily Politics” programme on BBC2, while comfortably sitting up in bed, thus giving my aching limbs a rest whilst delighting my eyes and ears with the spectacle of Jeremy literally holding the audience in the palm of his hand with the literally stunning power of his literally spell-binding oratory.

Unfortunately, though, friends, this is where I made a literally fatal mistake!  Feeling somewhat over-powered by drowsiness, I decided to, as apparently many Earthlings would say, “get myself comfortable” by lying down in the bed and closing my eyes. That way, I reasoned, I could really concentrate on what Jeremy was actually saying, rather than being distracted by pointless neoliberal visual tricks, e.g. seeing him.  I would just concentrate on listening to his speech. (After all, friends, I know only too well what Jeremy looks like!)

Things, alas, did not quite work out that way, friends.  I do find that Jeremy’s voice is curiously … I won’t say soporific, as that might imply it is boring.  No, let’s say it is very soothing. And so, as I closed my eyes and snuggled further and further down under my eiderdown, Jeremy’s voice acted as a very powerful sedative, and the more I tried to concentrate on listening to his important and exciting message, the harder it was to remain awake!

Wakey-wakey, friends!

Once or twice, friends, it almost seemed as though Jeremy was aware of my comatose state, as he suddenly and unexpectedly raised his voice, such as the time he literally shouted ” … FOR THE MANY, NOT THE FEW!”, which literally brought me up with a start, rather like a naughty schoolboy who has been caught napping by the teacher during a particularly boring Geography lesson.

Not, I hasten to add, that Jeremy’s speech was at all boring, friends!  It was literally stuffed with exciting, original, brand-new, modern policies which have got the Tories literally quaking in their boots!

Knockers, friends!

Needless to say, though, the Moaning Minnies, the n’er do wells, the trouble-makers and the knockers, aided and abetted by the Hard-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. Our BBC, are predictably claiming that Jeremy’s speech was just a boring recitation of a load of Leftist guff, coupled with a list of totally unworkable, half-baked Socialist policies that had utterly failed every time and everywhere that they had previously been tried.

Really, friends!  Such Hard-Right elements obviously didn’t see the same speech that I saw! [Since by your own admission, you were snoring the whole way through it, that goes without saying, Lefty! – J.C.  Oh Jeremy!  You are so literal-minded at times!L.] The policies that Jeremy announced were easily as up-to-date and relevant to modern Britain – which Thatcher totally destroyed –  as that timeless anthem, Our Red Flag, which, or so I am told (I have to confess, friends, that I was still fast asleep at that point), was sung at the end of Jeremy’s speech.

Let us sing together, friends!

Which brings us, neatly, to the musical theme with which this Blog traditionally ends each piece!  Some of you may be aware that Our John – he of the Little Read Book fame – is particularly fond of a song by another John!  And as a special treat, and exclusive to this Blog, Our John is going to perform my specially-adapted version of it!


John: Bass Guitar, Lead Vocals

Jeremy: Lead Guitar, Backing Vocals

Me: Rhythm Guitar, Backing Vocals

Diane: Organ, Piano, backing vocals

Seamus: Venezuelan-style Percussion.

Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends!  All together now:

Imagine there’s no neoliberalism
It’s easy if you try
No totally unelected Tory Government below us
Above us only Far-Right Kippers hung out to dry
Imagine all the people
Voting for Labour … Aha-ah …

Imagine there’s no Hard-Right racism
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to march or protest for
And no Katie Hopkins, too
Imagine all the people
Loving life in Our EU …

You may say I’m a total tosser [Some mistake surely, Lefty? – J.McD.*]
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world and elsewhere will be as one

Imagine no 1% or Banksters
I wonder if you can
No need for Compulsory Foodbanks
A sisterhood of women and trans
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world and elsewhere

You may say I’m a total tosser
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world and elsewhere will live as one

[*No. Don’t want you getting too uppity, John – J.C.]

Now That The Hard-Right Neoliberal Red Tory Traitor, The Far-Right Owen Jones [Sic! – J.C.], Has Been Literally Smashed In A Democratic Leadership Election, It Is Time For All Of Us On The Progressive Left – And There Are Many Of Us, Friends, e.g. Me – To Literally Come Together And Literally Smash This Totally Unelected Tory Government, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I expect that you are all as literally thrilled as I am by Jeremy’s literally amazing victory over the Hard-Right Red Tory Traitor, the widely-unknown, widely-hated Far-Right racist neoliberal Owen Jones, who was literally crushed by the sheer weight of votes against him, many of which were – so I am reliably informed – cast by Tories and Kippers, such was the depth of Jeremy’s popular appeal!

And to think there are still Hard-Right elements who argue that Jeremy isn’t an election-winner, friends!  Talk about deluded!

Three hundred thousand odd people voted for Jeremy this time round, and if that isn’t a mandate, friends, then I am not the the most influential Progressive Left Blogger in the world, and indeed elsewhere! [Ha!J.C.]

Complacency, friends!

But, friends, this is no time for complacency!  We may have won this particular war, but there are several Hard-Right Trojan horses waiting to literally pounce on us from behind the bolted stable door before the sun goes down!

We must now act decisively and speedily to deselect the tiny handful of 172 Hard-Right Red Tory Treacherous MPs who viciously failed to support Jeremy in the recent Vote Of Confidence in which, never let it be forgotten, he won with an impressive 40 votes, as reported exclusively in this Blog.

Once we have done this, friends, we can create a truly democratic Party, in which all kinds of Progressive Left elements – e.g. Trotskyists, Leninists, Stalinists, Maoists, Anarchists, Communists, Greens, EU Commissioners and Our Junior Doctors – can literally fight together, and win!

Smash, friends!

And then, friends, we must literally smash this totally unelected Tory Government, which is literally devastating this so-called country – which Thatcher destroyed – with its totally reckless policy of Far-Right Austerity, in which Government spending has been slashed from £692 billions in 2010 to only £760 billions in 2016 – that’s a full £68 billions difference, friends, whatever Hard-Right neoliberal elements, i.e. Liam Byrne, might claim.

Once this has been achieved, friends, and Jeremy and I have ascended to Supreme Political Power, all that will need to be done is for Britain to re-join Our EU [Hang on, Lefty – surely we can’t overturn a democratic vote just like that, however much we may regret the result? – J.C.  Really, Jeremy!  Sometimes I do wonder how deep your commitment is to Our EU! – L.   No comment!J.C.] and implement full Socialism, on the lines of that remarkably successful country, Our Venezuela.

Do I need to continue, friends?  [Please don’t, Lefty! – J.C.  OK, Jeremy – I don’t want you cutting me off in mid-sentence as you did in my last Blog!L.]  Very well, I shall draw to a close [Phew!J.C.].  But not before we’ve had our little sing-song together, which I know for many of you is the favourite bit of this Blog [Which isn’t saying a lot! – J.C.  Really, Jeremy! I get the distinct impression that today’s Victory has literally gone to your head!  – L.  No comment! – J.C.]

Let us sing together, friends!

So, friends, in celebration of Jeremy’s literally stunning victory today, I have re-assembled my Band , with Jeremy as ever literally taking the lead! [Groan! Do I really have to do this, Lefty? – J.C.  Yes, Jeremy – there are certain things that, as our Labour Leader, you just have to do, and singing for this Blog is one of them. – L. Oh, OK, but this really is the last time. – J.C.]  I think you’ll agree that the theme of the particular song I’ve chosen today is entirely appropriate, given the literally disgraceful and sickening behaviour of some of our so-called friends, friends!


Jeremy: Lead Guitar, Lead Vocals

Me: Rhythm Guitar, Backing Vocals

Our John: Little Read Book!  No – only joking, John! Bass Guitar, Backing Vocals

Diane: Organ, Piano, backing vocals

Seamus: Venezuelan-style Percussion.

Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends!  All together now:

All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)

All you comrades who are Socialists
And you really care, yeah, yeah
Then it’s all of you friends
Who better beware, yeah yeah
Somebody’s out to get the Labour Leadership
A few of the Shadow Cabinet they sure look shady
Blades are long, clenched tight in their fist
Aimin’ straight at your back
And I don’t think they’ll miss

All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
I keep gettin’ all these visits
From my friends, yeah, what they doin to me
They come to the House
Again and again and again and again, yeah
So are they there to see my Diane
I don’t even be home but they just keep on comin’
What can I do to get on the Left track
I wish they’d take some of these knives off my back

All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers
(Back stabbers)
Low down, dirty

Smiling faces
Smiling faces sometimes tell lies (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don’t need low down
Dirty Far-Right bastards (back stabbers)

The Hard-Right Neoliberal Jeremy Has Been Totally Thwarted In His Vicious Attempt To Literally Close Down This Blog And Thus Silence A Leading Progressive Left Voice, i.e. Me, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I hope that you weren’t too worried about Jeremy’s rather – sorry to put this so bluntly, Jeremy, but it has to be said – ratty so-called “announcement” the other day, in which he claimed, amongst various other things, that I’d been “suspended” as Chief Staff Writer from this Blog, or some such nonsense, and made all kinds of false allegations about me and the Blog, many of which were literally false!

Jeremy does seem to have rather allowed power go to his head, hasn’t he, friends? The idea that he could just “suspend” a leading Voice of the Progressive Left like me [Ha! – J.C.  Oh hello, Jeremy!  I was wondering when you’d pop up again, like a bad penny that’s gathering a Hard-Right mess of pottage in the long grassroots! – L.  No comment!J.C.] with impunity is literally ridiculous!

Ridiculous, friends!

And it’s all the more ridiculous, friends, that at a time when Jeremy is literally fighting for his political life against the widely-unknown, widely-hated Hard-Right Red Tory Traitor, Owen so-called Jones, or Smith, or whatever his name is – let’s not get bogged down in neoliberal pedantry, friends – that he should literally be turning on his most loyal supporter, and attempting to close down this Blog, which is literally the most influential Blog of its kind in the entire world, and indeed elsewhere!

But friends, I am not one to bear grudges!  Jeremy has been under a lot of strain recently, what with having to travel around on train floors on the Hard-Right Virgin Neoliberail [Sic! – J.C.  Yes – extremely Sickening, Jeremy!   (Who says that those of us on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour, eh friends!) – L.], and having to engage in mass debates with Hard-Right elements, viz. the hated Jones, via the Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly media, e.g. the so-called BBC, whose anti-Socialist, anti-EU bias is obvious to even the meanest intelligence, i.e. me.

Groundless anxieties, friends!

Anyway, friends, let me put all your minds at rest regarding one point that many of you appear to be anxious about.  Some of you have asked me – and I literally quote your words – “Is there not a risk, Lefty, that Jeremy might just decide one day, in a fit of temper, to literally pull the plug on your Blog, causing it to literally disappear in to outer Cyberspace, and indeed beyond?”

Friends, you need have no fears whatsoever on that score!  I have talked with a large number of experts – and those of us on the Progressive Left always listen to experts, friends, unlike Hard-Right neoliberals, who incidentally are still denying that the so-called British economy, which Thatcher destroyed, has literally tanked following the literally catastrophic Brexit vote – on this matter; and they have all said the same thing, namely, that the very idea that Jeremy could simply pull the plug from this Blog without any warning whatsoever is quite frankly literally preposterous!

The Science is settled, friends!

They have all reassured me – and the Science is as settled on this matter, friends, as it is on the grave matter of Man-Made Climate Change, which as we all know is literally destroying the World and indeed elsewhere – that it would actually not be technically possible for Jeremy to do this. So, friends, relax!  You have the personal guarantee of a very large number of respected experts that there is absolutely no possibility whatsoever of this Blog suddenly being terminated in mid-senten


Important announcement

Hello to everyone who reads this Blog – it’s Jeremy Corbyn here.  I’m sorry to say that, following ongoing discussions, I have had no choice but to relieve Lefty of his position as Chief Staff Writer for this Blog.

This decision has not been taken lightly, and indeed has been taken with some regret, following extensive consultations with colleagues.

I will not bore you with all the minutiae of what has gone on, to cause this decision to be made.  But here are the bare bones of what led to it.

When I first agreed to allow Lefty to set up this Blog, it was on the strict understanding that its principal purpose was to support me, as the Leader of the Labour Party who had been overwhelmingly endorsed by its members, and to support generally the aims of the Labour movement in its widest sense.

Regrettably, things have not worked out that way.

After an initially quite promising start – albeit with a few hiccups along the way – Lefty’s Blog has become steadily less and less about supporting me, and the Labour Party, and more and more about Lefty’s own self-aggrandisement and personal agenda, much of which is, I am sorry to say, at odds with the overall aims of the Labour Movement.

Furthermore,  I have not been alone in noticing an increasing amount of what can only be described as childish attempts at “humour” creeping in to the Blog.  Indeed, so I have been informed, the Blog is allegedly enjoyed by quite a large number of Right-wingers, some of whom are apparently under the impression that Lefty is in fact writing some sort of “Spoof Blog” which, far from supporting the Progressive cause, is actually undermining it.

Needless to say, such Right-wingers are as deluded about this as they are about everything else. But nonetheless, it is pretty concerning that even some of our ideological opponents could mistake a serious Blog like this for a parody one.

I don’t suppose that many of you will be surprised to hear that Lefty has taken the news of his being relieved of duties from the Blog, pretty badly.  As a somewhat excitable and over-emotional individual, it was perhaps only to be expected that he would react this way, even though in fact several warnings were issued to him about the likely consequences of his irresponsible and childish behaviour.  Hopefully, when he has had time to reflect on this matter, he will realise that the Party is bigger than any of us – and that includes him.

The future

As regards the future of the Blog, I am currently undertaking consultations with colleagues about this. Although we have not yet reached any firm conclusions as to its future direction, there is a widespread feeling in the Party that the Blog should become a much more collective effort, in which for instance women and ethnic minorities will play a much bigger role than they have been able to do so far.

I am sorry if some of you are disappointed by this decision, but really, there was no alternative.  I do hope that you will continue to read this Blog, which hopefully will now become a rather more serious and intelligent place for progressive-minded people to discuss the pressing issues of the day, rather than the increasingly frivolous and ego-driven farrago of inaccurate and frankly irresponsible material that it was steadily becoming under Lefty’s auspices.

I shall, of course, keep you informed regarding future developments with this Blog, which I firmly believe has an important part to play in generating support and fresh ideas for the Labour Party under my Leadership.

Best wishes,


What A Literally Stunning Performance By Jeremy, In Which He Literally Wiped The Floor With The Totally-Unknown, Widely-Hated Far-Right Red Tory Traitor Owen Jones (Or Whatever His Name Is – Who Cares, Quite Frankly, Friends?) On Last Night’s “Question Time” That Was, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I expect you are all as happy as I am on this literally glorious Friday morning about Jeremy’s literally stunning performance on the Hard-Right BBC’s Question Time last night, in which he literally destroyed the totally-unknown, widely-hated Far-Right Red Tory Traitor, Owen so-called Jones, who is held in such utter contempt by working people – e.g. students and the unemployed – that many of them, so I am told, can’t even remember his name correctly!  Truly pathetic, eh friends!

Confession Time [Groan!J.C.], friends!

I have to confess, friends, that I did not actually see the broadcast, as I was at that particular time busily engaged in writing this Blog, so that it could be transmitted in the speediest possible way to you, my Readers!   But I have absolutely no doubt that Jeremy’s usual debating style and rapier wit were at his usual standards; and I agreed with at least 100% of everything he said, whatever it was.

Work, friends!

Not everyone, friends, realises quite how much work goes in to producing this Blog, which of course uses the most up-to-date technology available, in line with Jeremy’s exciting announcement recently re Digital Democracy.

Instead of the old-style quill pens and parchment that some Bloggers – no doubt of a Hard-Right, reactionary tendency – still quaintly insist upon using, my Blog, by stark contrast, employs fully modern digital techniques, as follows:

First, friends, my fingers – digits – tap diligently away at a new, high-tech device – known colloquially, or so I have been informed, as a “typewriter” – which miraculously manages to transform my fingers’ “clicks” in to letters on specially-designed sheets of a new, high-tech material, produced – literally as if by magic – from trees, and known – sorry for all the technical jargon here, friends! – as “paper”.

And then, friends, my hard-working Team miraculously transforms these “typed” words, via all kinds of technical gizmos, in to what you are reading right now!  It’s all pretty complicated stuff, friends, and I won’t befuddle you with any more technical detail today!  But you can see that I, and my 68-strong Team (sadly depleted in numbers, as I’m sure you can tell, by Far-Right Tory Austerity and Hard-Right Brexit), are literally at the cutting-edge of the White-Hot Heat of the Technological Revolution, friends!

Strong Message Here

Anyway, friends, I’m literally about to go on a Mass Protest Against Hard-Right Brexitity, attended by a huge swathe of the Progressive Left, i.e. me, so will finish here!  [Phew!J.C.]  But before I start getting undressed, what say you all re a little sing-song together?  And, no Jeremy, don’t think you can slink away, because you are going to – literally – be the leading performer in this special number which I’ve written for the Blog!


Jeremy: Lead Guitar, Lead Vocals

Me: Rhythm Guitar, Backing Vocals

Our John: Little Read Book!  No – only joking, John! Bass Guitar, Backing Vocals

Diane: Organ, Piano, backing vocals

Seamus: Venezuelan-style Percussion.

Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends!  All together now:

Rode in from Newcastle by Hard-Right Virgin Rail
Didn’t get to bed last night
On the way I couldn’t find a single seat
Man I had a dreadful time
I’m back in the Labour Party
You don’t know how lucky you are boy
Back in the Labour Party. (Yeah)
Been away so long I hardly recognised the faces
Gee it’s good to be mass debating with Owen Jones
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case
Lefty deselect the Far-Right phoneys.
I’m back in the Labour Party
You don’t know how lucky you are boy
Back in the Labour
Back in the Labour
Back in the Labour Party
Well the Momentum guys really knock me out
They leave ol’ Seamus behind
And KFC girls make me sing and shout
That D-D-D-D-Diane’s always on my mind
Aw come on!
Ho yeah!
Ho yeah!
Ho ho yeah!
Yeah yeah!
Yeah I’m back in the Labour Party
You don’t know how lucky you are guys
Back in the Labour Party
Well the… [rpt]


Let Us Now Ensure That Jeremy Literally Slaughters The Far-Right Red Tory Traitor, The Widely-Hated, Widely-Unknown Owen Jones [How many times do I have to tell you it’s SMITH, Lefty, dammit! – J.C.], As Part Of The New, Kinder And Gentler Politics, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I expect that UB40-fied – GEDDIT! [Groan!J.C.  Oh Jeremy – kindly stop your Red, Red Whining! – L.  I totally despair! – J.C.] – by the forthcoming amazing victory that Jeremy is going to win over the widely-hated, widely-unknown, Far-Right Red Tory racist neoliberal Owen Jones [How many times, Lefty, do I have to tell you it’s Smith, dammit! – J.C.  Oh sorry, Jeremy – it’s just that, with the Labour Party literally bursting at the seams with Far-Right neoliberal racist Red Tory traitors, it’s sometimes hard to remember which one’s which!L.] in less than three weeks’ time, when 500,000 odd people will choose Our New Leader, i.e. Our Jeremy!

Complacency, friends!

But, friends, this is no time for complacency!  It is imperative that every single supporter of our very broad coalition of people holding a very diverse set of Far-Left Progressive views who support Jeremy, e.g. Trotskyists, Communists, Anarchists, Stalinists, Leninists, Maoists, Greens, and Our Junior Doctors, uses their votes, and as many times as possible!

After all, friends, never let it be forgotten how it looked as though Our Ed was going to cruise to victory in last year’s totally rigged General Election, right up until the Hard-Right Exit Poll was viciously published at 10pm on Election Night, at which point all of us on the Progressive Left realised that we had made a literally fatal mistake in picking the Far-Right Red Tory Traitor Miliband as Leader, as proved by the fact that millions of Labour voters, disgusted by his fervently Hard-Right neoliberalism, decided to vote for UKIP and the Tories in protest.

Friends, every vote literally counts!  And if we want to avoid the fate of having the hated Trump, or the hated Farage – or even worse, friends, the widely-hated, widely-unknown Far-Right Red Tory Traitor, the Hard-Right racist neoliberal Owen Jones [Oh, I give up! – J.C.  Oh no, Jeremy!  Please don’t – not when the sweet smell of victory is so close, we can practically see it!  Oh, sorry, see what you mean –  I mean Owen Smith!L.] – emerging as the new Labour Leader on 24th September, we must vote, vote and vote again to save Our Jeremy, whom we know and love!

Bigger than any of us, friends!

Once Jeremy has been safely reaffirmed as Leader of Our Party – and let us never forget, friends, that the Party is bigger than any of us, even me – we can finally get down to the really important business, the business for which the Labour Party was originally set up to achieve: namely, getting rid of all the Far-Right Red Tory Traitors who sadly infest its ranks, and who are literally hiding inside a Trojan Horse wrapped in a Pandora’s Box, in which there is absolutely no silver lining, but which barely conceals an extremely Hard-Right pig in a poke which, if unleashed from behind the bolted stable door, would send the Good Ship Labour right up the creek without a paddle, sinking her and all who sail in her, including Yours Truly, in to a veritable quicksand from which literally none of us could ever escape!

Strong Message Here

And, of course, friends, we must continue to fight against this totally unelected Tory Government, which is literally worse than Thatcher!  In particular, we must ensure that Britain remains in Our EU, and that the tiny handful of 17,410,742 Far-Right racists, who viciously voted for Hard-Right Brexit in June, and who represent absolutely nobody but themselves, are utterly defeated. [Hang on, Lefty – surely we can’t thwart a democratic vote just like that, however much some of us may not like the result? – J.C.  Really, Jeremy!  I sometimes wonder how truly committed you are to supporting Our EU! – L.  No comment! J.C.]

Let us sing together, friends!

And now, friends, we come to the bit of the Blog that I know many of you literally can’t wait for!  Yes, it’s time for our little sing-song!  (You know me so well, friends!)  I was going to ask Friend Keith to play the organ for this particular Blog, but for some reason he’s apparently “not available” – probably, now I think about it, because he’s on my List of Far-Right Red Tory Traitors To Be Deselected!  (That List, though essential, can sometimes cause a few little difficulties for us, friends!)   So, Diane, can you step in, please – I’m sure your organ-playing will make a Vazt difference!  (Not a bad little pun eh, friends!  And to think that there are Far-Right neoliberals who claim that we on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour!)  Thanks!  All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,
Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,
Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,
We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Red Wine flowing here!