A Full, Comprehensive And Totally Objective Review Of Jeremy’s Literally Spell-Binding Speech To The Labour Conference, Which Was Literally A Turning-Point In Labour’s Fortunes, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And what a week this is turning out to be for those of us on the Progressive Left, eh friends!  I am still literally reeling from Jeremy’s barnstorming speech to the Labour Conference yesterday, which every objective and heavyweight commentator in the land, i.e. me, has unanimously agreed is easily his best speech since his previous one!

I do hope you all saw Jeremy’s speech, friends, which literally raised the roof, and had the audience literally cheering him to the rafters!  The sheer force of his oratory was literally a wonder to behold, as could be seen from the fact that by the end, he had his audience literally eating out of his hand!

Confession, friends!

Unfortunately, friends, I did not actually see the speech, as I was feeling pretty tired from a Mass March Against Far-Right Tory Austerity, attended by myself, yesterday morning. Nonetheless, I had fully intended to watch it, as I have a small portable black-and-white television in my bedroom at the top of Jeremy’s house – I am literally “in the attic”, friends! – which I reserve for important events like this one.

Alas, things did not turn out quite as I had planned. I had, you see, friends, decided to, as it were, literally “take things easy” by watching Jeremy’s speech live on the Hard-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, i.e. the Far-Right “Daily Politics” programme on BBC2, while comfortably sitting up in bed, thus giving my aching limbs a rest whilst delighting my eyes and ears with the spectacle of Jeremy literally holding the audience in the palm of his hand with the literally stunning power of his literally spell-binding oratory.

Unfortunately, though, friends, this is where I made a literally fatal mistake!  Feeling somewhat over-powered by drowsiness, I decided to, as apparently many Earthlings would say, “get myself comfortable” by lying down in the bed and closing my eyes. That way, I reasoned, I could really concentrate on what Jeremy was actually saying, rather than being distracted by pointless neoliberal distractions, e.g. seeing him.  I would just concentrate on listening to his speech. (After all, friends, I know only too well what Jeremy looks like!)

Things, alas, did not quite work out that way, friends.  I do find that Jeremy’s voice is curiously … I won’t say soporific, as that might imply it is boring.  No, let’s say it is very soothing. And so, as I closed my eyes and snuggled further and further down under my eiderdown, Jeremy’s voice acted as a very powerful sedative, and the more I tried to concentrate on listening to his important and exciting message, the harder it was to remain awake!

Wakey-wakey, friends!

Once or twice, friends, it almost seemed as though Jeremy was aware of my comatose state, as he suddenly and unexpectedly raised his voice, such as the time he literally shouted ” … AND WORK TOGETHER TO TAKE ON THE TORIES!”, which literally brought me up with a start, rather like a naughty schoolboy who has been caught napping by the teacher during a particularly boring Geography lesson.

Not, I hasten to add, that Jeremy’s speech was at all boring, friends!  It was literally stuffed with exciting, original, brand-new, modern policies which have got the Tories literally quaking in their boots!  I won’t bother to mention them here, because all of you will have seen Jeremy’s speech, and in any case they are set out in full detail in the Hard-Right Labour List, here, which I shall be reading just as soon as I’ve finished this Blog.

Knockers, friends!

Needless to say, friends, the Moaning Minnies, the n’er do wells, the trouble-makers and the knockers, aided and abetted by the Hard-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC, are predictably claiming that Jeremy’s speech was just a boring recitation of a load of Leftist guff, coupled with a list of totally unworkable, half-baked Socialist policies that had utterly failed every time and everywhere that they had previously been tried.

Really, friends!  Such Hard-Right elements obviously didn’t see the same speech that I saw! [Since by your own admission, you were snoring the whole way through it, that goes without saying, Lefty! – J.C.  Oh Jeremy!  You are so literal-minded at times!L.] The policies that Jeremy announced were easily as up-to-date and relevant to modern Britain – which Thatcher totally destroyed –  as that timeless anthem, The Red Flag, which, or so I am told (I have to confess, friends, that I was still fast asleep at that point), was sung at the end of Jeremy’s speech.

Let us sing together, friends!

Which brings us, neatly, to the musical theme with which this Blog traditionally ends each piece!  Some of you may be aware that Our John – he of the Little Read Book fame – is particularly fond of a song by another John!  And as a special treat, and exclusive to this Blog, Our John is going to perform my specially-adapted version of it! [Oi, Lefty – what about me?  – J.C.  Fear not, Jeremy, you will be part of John’s Backing Band! – L.  I hope this isn’t an omen for the future, Lefty! – J.C.  No comment! – L.]


John: Bass Guitar, Lead Vocals

Jeremy: Lead Guitar, Backing Vocals

Me: Rhythm Guitar, Backing Vocals

Diane: Organ, Piano, backing vocals

Seamus: Venezuelan-style Percussion.

Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends!  All together now:

Imagine there’s no neoliberalism
It’s easy if you try
No totally unelected Tory Government below us
Above us only Far-Right Kippers hung out to dry
Imagine all the people
Voting for Labour … Aha-ah …

Imagine there’s no Hard-Right racism
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to march or protest for
And no Katie Hopkins, too
Imagine all the people
Loving life in Our EU …

You may say I’m a total tosser [Some mistake surely, Lefty? – J.McD.*]
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world and elsewhere will be as one

Imagine no 1% or Banksters
I wonder if you can
No need for Compulsory Foodbanks
A sisterhood of women and trans
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world and elsewhere

You may say I’m a total tosser
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world and elsewhere will live as one

[*No. Don’t want you getting too uppity, John – J.C.]


8 thoughts on “A Full, Comprehensive And Totally Objective Review Of Jeremy’s Literally Spell-Binding Speech To The Labour Conference, Which Was Literally A Turning-Point In Labour’s Fortunes, Friends!

  1. I have to admit that I too missed what was, by all accounts a barnstorming performance of epic proportions.
    Don’t overly chide yourself friend, all your friends are fully aware of the time and effort you put into furthering the cause of anti-everything else both in the world and even further afield.
    Take heart friend, I am certain that the far right Murdoch owned, bought and paid for ABBC will rerun Jeremys performance in perpetuity, if not there is always I-player.
    Onwards and Upwards, lead Socialism to its logical and final solution, I mean of course conclusion.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Do you do musical requests? I suggest a leftish version of Kumbaya. As Wikipedia puts it

    “Recently (as of 2006), “Kumbaya” has been used to refer to artificially covering up deep-seated disagreements. We “join hands and sing ‘Kumbaya'” or “it’s all ‘Kumbaya'” means we pretend to agree, for the sake of appearances or social expediency”.

    Liked by 1 person

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