And I expect that you’re all as thrilled as I am about Labour’s amazingly triumphant triumph last night, aren’t you? For some reason, Jeremy doesn’t seem to be quite as thrilled as me, but I expect that’s just because he’s tired out from working literally night and day recently, trying to find out the names of all the Shadow Cabinet members that he must sack for viciously voting in favour of Brexit [No, Lefty – it’s for voting against Brexit. – J.C. Jeremy, I literally can’t believe this! I really don’t understand this at all. – L. Nothing new there then, Lefty! – J.C. No comment! – L.]
Anyway, here’s my analysis in today’s Far-Right Guardian, which I trust you’ll appreciate. As ever, I have provided a link to the original article and my comment, together with replies to it, below the piece.
Stoke and Copeland byelections: Corbyn rules out resigning after Labour’s historic defeat – Politics live
Friends! The Hard-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the Far-Right Guardian, is predictably trying to portray last night’s byelection results, in which Labour won a full 50% of the contested seats, as some kind of “disaster” for the Progressive Left! How delusional can people be?
Not, friends, that last night’s results were perhaps quite as good as they could have been – it would, after all, have been even better if we’d managed to win that notoriously safe Tory seat Copeland, too, although we must never forget that it is always difficult for Labour to win seats at this stage of the electoral cycle – it’s not known as mid-term *blues* [Groan – J.C.] for nothing!
So, obviously, it is time for those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are still quite a few of us, friends, despite the tragically premature passing of Our Fidel, the People’s Dictator – to put our thinking caps on, and our heads together, and do some deep analysis of what may possibly have gone wrong.
Don’t bother, friends!
Fortunately, though, friends, you don’t need to bother with any of this, because I have done it all for you! Using the latest psephological techniques, together with some rather impressive statistics I have just made up, and which have been favourably peer-reviewed by 97% of all Climate Scientists, I have reached the following conclusions:
1. Labour still isn’t nearly Left-wing enough for the British people. Although we won that notoriously marginal seat, Stoke, with an impressive 37.09% of the vote – and beat the Fascist Nuttall by no fewer than 2620 votes – we should arguably have done even better, given that this totally unelected Tory Government is so widely hated by literally everybody that I know. And – let’s be blunt here, friends, and not kid ourselves – we should have won the, albeit Tory, Copeland seat.
2. Labour must abandon any compromises with Hard-Right Brexit, which will literally devastate our society – which Thatcher destroyed – and lead to increased unemployment and deprivation in some of Labour’s heartlands, e.g. Our Brussels. The 48% – the overwhelming minority of the British people who last June rejected Brexit – are still looking for a Party to represent them, and although Tom Fallon [Who on earth is he, Saveed? – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Do keep up! He’s the new LibDem leader – the successor to Nicky Morgan-Clegg! Literally everyone’s heard of him! – S.] has made some admirable attempts to woo The 48%, it has to be conceded that Our LibDems are really no more than a fringe Party these days, deeply unpopular, with a cranky image, totally obsessed with unpopular issues, and with some deeply unattractive, not to say unsavoury, characters in their ranks.
3. Above all, friends, we must make our voices heard more effectively! Admittedly, that is difficult, given that the Far-Right media, e.g. Our BBC, is as institutionally biased against the Progressive Left as it is pro-Brexit and pro-Trump. But plainly, we must start talking about the issues that matter to working people, e.g. students, who are literally sick and tired of being forced to work 95-hour weeks on Zero Hour Contracts in compulsory Foodbanks, and being compelled to read the Fascist Daily Fail while Bullingdon Bully Boy May sadistically quaffs champagne whilst burning £50 notes in front of them.
Conclusion, friends! [Phew! – J.C.]
If, friends, we can just do all these things, all the time rallying behind Jeremy, along with deselecting deeply unpopular Far-Right Red Tory Traitors, e.g. the widely hated Kate Hoey, Frank Field and Gisela Stuart, along with the rest of that tiny handful of 172 Labour MPs who viciously voted against Jeremy in last summer’s Vote of Confidence, I have no doubt at all that the next General Election will result in – literally – a landslide!