There Is Literally No Anti-Semitism Whatsoever In Our Labour Party, Friends! (And In Any Case, Friends, This Problem Is Widespread In All Political Parties.) Anyone Who Claims Otherwise Is Obviously Part Of A Literally Huge Worldwide Zionist Conspiracy, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And today’s Blog is going to literally tackle head-on the huge problem of anti-Semitism, which has been greatly exaggerated, and has been literally dismissed as any kind of problem in Friend Shami’s highly objective report, Why There Is Absolutely No Anti-Semitism In The Labour Party Whatsoever, And In Any Case This Is A Problem Which Affects All The Political Parties.

Literally not a problem, friends!

Friends, there is literally no anti-Semitism in the Labour Party whatsoever!  It is, in any case, a problem which affects all the Political Parties, e.g. the widely-hated UKIP. Anyone who claims that we in the Labour Party are literally turning a blind eye to anti-Semitism, literally needs their head examining!  Or is a member of Mossad! And is part of the literally enormous Jewish Zionist conspiracy that is to be found all over the world, and indeed elsewhere.

And, friends, let me deal with the literally absurd canard that those of us on the Progressive Left have any sort of issue with the people of Israel. That is literally ridiculous! Our argument is not with them, but with the literally vicious Governments that they keep electing.

Friends, I have been literally fighting racism since literally before I was born, and indeed even before then, and the idea that I would tolerate any kind of racism in Our Labour Party is quite literally ridiculous!

Thatcher’s fault, friends!

Anyway, friends, having dealt with that problem – rather well, if I may say so, or indeed even if I may not – let us now turn to a far greater problem that has literally devastated our society – which, never let it forgotten, friends, Thatcher first denied the existence of, and then totally destroyed – since that literally dark day of June 23rd.

Hate, friends!

I refer, of course, to the literally terrifying epidemic of Hard-Right Hate Crimes that has literally engulfed Britain since the widely-hated Hate Vote of June 23rd, in which a tiny handful of 17,410,742 racists and bigots – who, let it never be forgotten, friends, represent absolutely nobody but themselves – viciously voted against Our EU, thereby literally turning Britain in to the Pariah of the World, and indeed elsewhere, with their literally astonishing display of Far-Right intolerance and bigotry.

Intolerance must be totally smashed, friends!

Ever since that literally hideous day, friends, at the very thought of which, like Friend Lily, I literally burst in to tears, Britain has literally been riven with every possible type of Hate Crime. Here are just a few, literally terrifying, examples:

There have been Hate Looks, where certain people – doubtless elements of a Hard-Right, racist tendency – have given other people funny looks.

There have been Hate Thoughts, where people have had the most despicable thoughts. I know this for a fact, friends, because, well, it’s just so easy to tell when someone is a hater who simply judges and classifies people on a whim, isn’t it?

There have been Hate Jokes, i.e. people making distinctly off-colour so-called jokes, e.g. “This Hate Crime business is going a bit far, isn’t it?  At this rate, people will be going to prison for having different opinions!”

There have been Hate Tweets, Hate Posts, Hate Blogs, Hate Podcasts, and Hate Speech generally.  Really, friends, I literally despair at all this literally hateful hatred!

Literally incalculable, friends!

Friends, the number of these assorted Hate Crimes is literally incalculable, and all the objective and highly-scientific research carried out by impartial researchers, i.e. me, shows that the number of Hate Crimes is now well over 10,000% of whatever it was before that literally vicious day of June 23rd, and which has literally skyrocketed to hundreds of billions of Hate Crimes per day.

And even if some – or indeed any – of these Hate Crimes didn’t happen, that doesn’t make them any less serious, friends. After all, friends, a Hate Crime is a Hate Crime, irrespective of whether it actually happened or not.

Knockers, friends!

Almost needless to say, friends, there are the usual array of Hard-Right cynics, n’er do well’s, subversives, knockers and haters who callously claim that all this talk of Hate Crimes is nothing more than a totalitarian plan to prevent people from thinking “wrong thoughts”, and expressing “wrong opinions”.

Which just goes to show that such people are themselves Hate Criminals, friends! After all, if they didn’t have all these literally hateful Hate Thoughts and Hate Opinions, then there wouldn’t be a problem in the first place, would there?

Anyway, the good news is that I have a final solution [Groan! – J.C.] to eliminate that particular problem: a new class of Hate Crime, namely Hate Crime Denial, i.e. anyone who in any way attempts to argue against or deny the very real and literally terrifying problem of Thought Hate Crime should be immediately found guilty of Hate Crime Denial, for which no punishment could literally be sufficiently severe. (Who says that those of us on the Progressive Left are “soft on crime” eh, friends? Not on Hate Crime, we’re not!)

Let us sing together, friends!

And now, friends, as this particular Blog literally draws to its close [Phew! – J.C.], let us now sing, in celebration of Our Shami’s literally total exoneration of This Great Movement Of Ours of any form of anti-Semitism, as well as the totally unrelated matter of her subsequent literally well-deserved promotion to Our House of Lords and Our Shadow Cabinet, that stirring chorus from my updated version of that musical and lyrical classic, the Red Flag. (Organ, Diane!)  All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a General Election landslide,

Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Zionist Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!