Hello, friends.
And I expect that you were all as disappointed as I was by the most recent opinion poll which viciously showed a 16-point lead for the widely-hated Tories.
Although this may seem like – literally – a hammer blow for those of us on the Progressive Left, who literally yearn for a kinder, gentler country – run, naturally, on the lines of that remarkably successful Socialist country, Our Venezuela – we must not literally despair!
Instead, we must take a long, hard look at ourselves, and decide where we may have possibly gone wrong.
Fortunately, friends, you do not need to bother to do this, because I have done it for you! And after a great deal of research, using figures which I have carefully made up from many reliable and respected sources, e.g. me, I have reached the following conclusions:
1. Labour is literally far too Right-wing, friends!
Labour is still far too Right-wing for the British people, friends! We know that because, if we were offering a genuinely Socialist alternative to this totally unelected Tory Government, our poll ratings would improve to not far short of where they were under Our Ed’s magnificent leadership, with a correspondingly greater improvement in our electoral fortunes come the next General Election, whenever the cowardly Bullingdon Bully Boy May dares to call it!
2. Opinion polls are neoliberal tools, friends!
Opinion polls are, in any case, nothing more than neoliberal tools of the 1% and Banksters, and cannot be trusted, friends! Only last year, for instance, it looked as though Our Ed was going to cruise to victory in the totally rigged General Election, right up until the Hard-Right Exit Poll was viciously published at 10pm on Election Night, at which point all of us on the Progressive Left realised that we had made a literally fatal mistake in picking the Far-Right Red Tory Traitor Miliband as Leader, as proved by the fact that millions of Labour voters, disgusted by his fervently Hard-Right neoliberalism, decided to vote for UKIP and the Tories in protest.
3. We must listen to working people, friends!
Most important of all, friends, those of us on the Progressive Left now need to listen extremely carefully to working people, in order to hear all of their concerns and fears for the future.
It is only by doing this, friends, that we can understand what they are thinking, and thereby put their minds at rest by explaining to them exactly how and why they are wrong.
Reasons to be literally cheerful, friends!
And let us be of good cheer, friends! As I was so wisely saying only very recently, i.e. in 2010, it is surely only a matter of time before people get totally sick of this evil, cruel, widely-hated, totally unelected Tory Government, with its vicious, ever-higher, Bedroom Taxes, its compulsory Foodbanks, and its literally nasty and sadistic attempts to impose Far-Right Austerity on some of the weakest and most vulnerable people in our so-called society – which Thatcher totally destroyed – e.g. Our President Juncker, who would be a far, far better leader of this country than the totally unelected Bullingdon Bully Boy May, who is easily the worst Prime Minister this country has had since the totally unelected Camoron.
Revolting, friends!
No wonder, friends, that those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are still quite a few of us, friends, even if our ranks have been slightly depleted recently with the tragic passing of Our Fidel – are literally revolting!
Let us sing together, friends!
And finally [Phew! – J.C.], friends, what do you say about our usual little sing-song together? [No way, José! – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Don’t be such a literally damp squib! I know you enjoy it really! And who is José? Is he another Far-Right Red Tory Traitor? – L. No comment! – J.C.] After all, things could – literally – be worse! And, in any case, we must look on the – literally – bright side of life! And to celebrate this, I have reassembled my Band to sing my specially-written new song, which hopefully will literally boost everyone’s spirits.
Lineup:
Me: Acoustic Guitar, Lead Vocals
Jeremy: Electric Guitar, Backing Vocals
John: Little Read Book! No – only joking, John! Bass Guitar, Backing Vocals
Diane: Organ, backing vocals
Seamus: Drums and Venezuelan-style Percussion
Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends! All together now:
Cheer up, Jeremy. You know what they say.
Some things in Labour are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re reshuffling the Shadow Cabinet,
Don’t grumble, give ’em a hammering!
And this’ll help things turn out for the best
And
Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the bright side of life
If Labour seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten!
And that’s to march, shout, revolt and protest,
When you’re down in the polls,
Don’t be silly with the Brexit proles,
Just smash the Far-Right Red Tory Traitors – that’s best!
And always look on the bright side of life
Come on!
Always look on the bright side of life
For the Hard Right is quite absurd,
And deselection’s the final word.
You must always face the members with a bow!
Forget about your sin with Diane – give the Party a grin,
Enjoy it, it’s the last chance anyhow!
So always look on the bright side of political death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
The Far-Right Labour’s a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life’s a laugh and Labour’s a joke, it’s true,
You’ll see it’s all a show,
Keep ’em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is – literally – on you!
And always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
Come on comrades, cheer up
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
Worse things happen with the Tories you know
Always look on the bright side of life
I mean, what have you got to lose?
you know, Labour came from nowhere
And it’s going back to nowhere!
what have you lost? Literally nothing!
Always look on the bright side of life
SupportOurLefty 
Hello, friends.
And I expect that you were all as thrilled as I was by the decision of Our High Court yesterday, which was surely the most joyful day for those of us in the Remain Camp since that literally dark day of June 23rd, when a tiny handful of 17,410,742 bigots – who literally represent absolutely nobody but themselves – viciously voted against Our EU!
Thank goodness for Our High Court’s principled stance against Hard-Right Mob Rule, eh friends! We really cannot have incredibly complicated decisions, e.g. on who governs us, to be made by an ignorant rabble of uneducated racists.
Those of us in the Remain Camp are only asking that the final decision to overturn Hard-Right Brexit should be democratically taken by Our MPs, whose unimpeachable integrity and wisdom cannot ever possibly be gainsaid.
Let’s leave important decisions to Our Judges, friends!
Personally – and this is literally my personal view, friends – I think it would actually be much better if the decision to stay in Our EU were to be taken by Our Judges, who being so much wiser and impartial than MPs – who, after all, are often swayed by short-term electoral considerations – could be relied upon to take the correct decision.
But as long as the decision about Our EU is not made by members of the electorate who – as the tragic outcome of June 23rd clearly demonstrated – have an irrational passion for outdated and indeed racist concepts such as “sovereignty” and, even worse, “democracy”, then I will reluctantly acquiesce in Our MPs’ decision to abandon this whole vicious Brexit nonsense, providing they can implement it as speedily as possible.
Otherwise, we, the 48% – who, let it never be forgotten, are the majority (other than in the tiresomely pedantic, mathematical sense) – will have to appeal to Our European Court of Human Rights, to uphold the Human Rights of We, the 48%, to Remain in Our EU, which have been literally trampled underfoot by this totally unelected Tory Government.