Hello, friends.
And here is my (written under my Saveedmiliband nom de plume) most recent piece written in that notoriously Far-Right rag, the so-called Guardian! It was literally written in response to an article by Polly Toynbee, and as you can see, I have – literally – backed her to the hilt. (There’s a link below this piece to the original article and my comment, along with any replies.)
Hope you – literally – enjoy it, friends:
Labour MPs owe a duty to the country – not Corbyn’s absurd three-line whip
Very well said, Polly. I agree with literally everything you’ve written, whatever it was.
Friends! It cannot be denied that those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are still quite a few of us, friends, despite the tragic passing of so many of Our Celebrities in the past year, e.g. Our Fidel, the People’s Dictator – may have made a literally fatal mistake last summer, when we backed Jeremy against that notoriously Hard-Right Red Tory Traitor, the widely-unknown, widely-hated Owen Jones [It’s Smith, Saveed! – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Let us not get bogged down in literally trivial neoliberal pedantry! – S.].
Whatever can be said against the hated Jones – or Smith, or whatever his name happens to be – this much can be said in his favour: He is totally, utterly, in favour of Our EU! So much so, in fact, that he is prepared to literally lay down his life in defence of it!
Jeremy, by contrast, hardly seems to care about Our EU at all! And even though he has been a consistent supporter of it ever since he became Leader, I do sometimes get the impression that he secretly would be quite happy if Brexit happened!
Obviously, this cannot possibly be the case. But nonetheless, friends, just ask yourselves one question:
If Our Labour Party will not – literally – stand up for the poor, the vulnerable and the dispossessed in our society, e.g. Our President Juncker – the People’s President, as I like to call him – then what on earth is it for?
Our EU is under attack, friends!
Friends, vicious Hard-Right elements – e.g. George Galloway, Dennis Skinner and Arthur Scargill – claim that Our EU is nothing more than an undemocratic, bureaucratic, corrupt gravy train that is run purely for the benefit of the so-called “elites”, and at the expense of ordinary people, who are denied any say in how it is run!
Nonsense! The merits of the EU are multifarious, as well as being so obvious I hardly need to point them out, so I won’t.
So, friends, I have reluctantly concluded, with a literally heavy heart, that it is now time for Jeremy to stand down, to make way for a new Leader. Who should this new Leader be, I can hear you all ask [Voices in your head, eh, Saveed! You need help! – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Don’t be literally silly! That was literally just a figure of speech! – S.].
Ideal candidate, friends!
Well, friends, there is one candidate who – literally – fits the bill perfectly! His dedication to the Progressive Left cause is unquestionable, his literary skills are literally second to none, and, above all, his commitment to Our EU is unparalleled. He is popular, widely-loved and charismatic – and ready for the challenge!
I’m sure you all know who I’m talking about, friends! Only sheer modesty prevents me from mentioning his name. He might not have been able to save Ed [Groan! – J.C.] or indeed Jeremy, but I am quite confident that he will be able to save the institution that all of us on the Progressive Left now regard as the most precious and important thing of all, even more so than Our NHS:
Namely, Our EU.
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