Jeremy Is Going Nowhere, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I expect that you are all as dismayed as I am that Our Ed the Far-Right Miliband – who lost Labour last year’s General Election by his constant peddling of Hard-Right Racist Neoliberalism, causing millions of Labour voters to vote for UKIP and the Tories in protest – has now joined the tiny and totally unrepresentative majority of 172 Labour MPs who are demanding that Our Jeremy steps down.

For this act of unparalleled treachery, friends, I shall be adding a certain Miliband, E. to my List of Far-Right Red Tory Traitors as quickly as possible.  [Hang on, Lefty – isn’t he already on the List? – J.C.  Ah, yes, Jeremy, that’s a point. Well, that just goes to show that it was right to put him on the List, doesn’t it? – L.  Can’t fault your logic there, Lefty! – J.C.  Well, I’m nothing if not logical, Jeremy! – L.  No comment! – J.C.]

 

Total defiance, friends!

Anyway, friends, I have just one thing to say to all the naysayers, traitors, Moaning Minnies, faint-hearts, trouble-makers, subversives and knockers who are predictably saying that Jeremy must go!  And that “one thing”, friends, can be summed up in just one word of one syllable, which is:

 Jeremy is going nowhere, friends, and he is going there as fast as he possibly can!  So stick that in your sinking ship up the creek where the wind blows, and don’t come crying to me if the sun doesn’t shine in the long grassroots for a month of Sundays, because you’ve rung the curtains down on your particular Far-Right mess of pottage, and you’ve no-one to blame but yourselves if the lights go out and there’s nobody behind the bolted stable door, quite frankly!

 

Delusional

As this Blog never tires of pointing out, friends, the Tories are absolutely terrified of Our Jeremy, which is why they keep on attacking him! And this is precisely why we must not lose faith in him now, when the sweet smell of total victory over Far-Right Neoliberal Fascism is so close to us, I can practically see it!  Let us come together and, putting our shoulders to the wheel, with our backs to the wall, our best feet forward and our heads in the sand where the sun doesn’t shine, make one last heave towards the sunlit uplands!

 

Another defiant anthem from Jeremy, friends!

And to conclude today’s Blog, friends, another special performance from Jeremy and his Band. I think you’ll agree that this song is particularly appropriate at this difficult time!

Lineup:

Jeremy: Lead Guitar, Lead Vocals

Me: Rhythm Guitar, Backing Vocals

Our John: Little Read Book!  No – only joking, John! Bass Guitar, Backing Vocals

Diane: Organ, Piano, backing vocals

Seamus: Venezuelan-style Percussion.

Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends!  All together now:

 

You could never know what it’s like
The Labour Parliamentary Party isn’t at all nice
And there’s a cold lonely light of Neoliberalism that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this Leader could never win
Well look at me, I’m coming back again
I got a taste of Socialism in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still standing you just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of the Labour Party without you on my mind

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You started down the road  to Fascism, leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our Party was just a circus you’d be a clown by now

[Repeat chorus]

 

 

Jeremy’s Decisive 40-Vote Triumph Should Be Respected, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And what a fantastic day it has been for those of us on the Progressive Left, friends! Jeremy’s stunning victory in today’s vote of confidence by the Hard-Right Parliamentary Labour Party has obviously taken the Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC, by surprise, friends!

His 40-vote victory, together with the encouraging news that the number of resignations from the Shadow Cabinet today is down in to single figures, should surely mark an end to all the back-biting and back-stabbing by various trouble-makers and Far-Right elements, e.g. most of his former Shadow Cabinet.

Special vote, friends!

All that remains to be done, friends, is for a special vote of the entire Labour Party membership to be held, so that the 250,000 odd people who gave Jeremy’s his overwhelming mandate last September, have an opportunity to reaffirm their utter faith and confidence in him!

I cannot tell you how happy this news makes me, friends!  It almost makes up for last week’s tragic Referendum result, when a tiny and totally unrepresentative handful of 17,410,742 Far-Right racists saw fit to vote for Hate against Hope, although fortunately it now looks as though this bigoted decision can be reversed by the mass power of working people, i.e. Our Petition, with its many, many signatures from all over the world, and indeed elsewhere.

Celebration time, friends!

Well, it’s celebration time for Jeremy and me tonight, friends – two tins of baked beans for me! [Greedy sod. – J.C.  Really, Jeremy, that’s remarkably curmudgeonly of you, considering everything I’ve done to help you secure your Great Victory today! – L.  Oh yeah, right – like changing your masthead to “SupportOurLefty” – thought I wouldn’t notice that? – J.C.  Oh Jeremy!  That was merely a simple typesetting error, caused by anxieties over Brexit. – L.  Pull the other one, Lefty, I know you’re after my job. – J.C. Honestly, Jeremy!  Nothing could be further from my mind, although now you come to mention it … – L.  See what I’m up against, readers? – J.C.  Friends!  Take no notice of our little spat!  Jeremy’s just a bit tired and overwrought tonight. – L.]

Let us sing, friends!

And finally, friends, let us sing together in celebration of Jeremy’s triumphant triumph today!  (Organ, Emily!)  All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,

Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

 

What Do We Want, Friends? “A Second Referendum!” When Do We Want It, Friends? “As Soon As Our EU Will Allow It, That’s When!”

Hello, friends.

And I hope that you have all signed the petition now circulating, which demands a second Referendum on Our EU, thereby providing the British people an opportunity to correct the grave error they foolishly made last Thursday, when they rashly ignored the advice of leading politicians statespersons, e.g. Our Obama, along with that of respected, highly-expert experts whose amazing expertise in being experts is unrivalled in this world, and indeed elsewhere.

An amazing petition, friends!

The petition has already reached over 3 million signatures, friends!  And it’s heartening to see just how many friends all over the world – and indeed elsewhere – have signed it, often several times, such was their sheer enthusiasm!  For instance, 39,000 people hailing from Vatican City have appended their signatures to it – a truly amazing result from a city state of only 800 people, friends, and one which should give all of us on the Progressive Left huge encouragement.

Above all, this petition shows how entirely out-of-touch and unrepresentative those 17,410,742 Far-Right racist, bigoted, uneducated old Fascists, who had the effrontery to vote against Our EU, really are!  Contrast that miserable handful of Hate Votes with Our Petition’s 3 million signatures which represent Hope and not Hate!

Reservations, friends!

I must confess though, friends, that I have some reservations about some of the specific proposals in Our Petition. For instance, I have considerable concerns about the requirement for turnout to be at least 75% and the majority for Leave needing to be at least 60%.

Friends, those figures are far too low!  The hated Farage might well get round that, by some underhand means, e.g. encouraging Leavers to vote!  Instead, I propose a minimum turnout requirement of  at least 100% – and preferably a lot higher, so as to encourage the maximum possible degree of voter participation – and with the majority for Leave needing to be at least 90%.

Furthermore, friends, in last week’s Referendum people simply did not understand the complexities of the issue at stake!  For instance, the ballot paper was extremely confusing, providing as it did a “Leave” option as well as the proper option, i.e. the correct “Remain” option. In the next Referendum, friends, we should simplify this, to reflect the extreme complexity of the decision to be made, by retaining the “Remain” box only, so that people will not get confused as they obviously did last week.

Leave Campaign’s wild promises in tatters, friends!

And, friends, am I the only person to have noticed that the Leave campaign have already broken all of their promises, made during the Referendum campaign?

Have they cut immigration yet?  No, friends – they have not!  (Thank goodness, eh, friends!)

Are they now spending £350 million per week extra on Our NHS, as they solemnly promised to do?  No, friends – they are not!

Have they abolished VAT on tampons?  I think you know the answer to that, friends!

Have they, above all, worked out a trade agreement with every single country in the World – and indeed elsewhere – as they promised they would do, and without which, as we all know, all trade is utterly impossible?  A big fat No to that one, too, friends!

Economic catastrophe, friends!

Meanwhile, friends, Our Stockmarket is literally crashing through the floor – down to a level which, being less than 10% above its lowest point this year (in February), represents a quite unparalleled slump – while the British Pound is now practically worthless, being only about 20% higher against the Euro than it was 7 years ago when, as we all know, inflation literally went through the roof!

And then, friends, the Leavers have the effrontery to claim that all our prophecies of economic catastrophe were exaggerated!  Really, words fail me!  At this rate, they’ll start claiming that World War III hasn’t started yet!

Strong Message Here

Friends, it is absolutely clear that there is really no mandate whatsoever for Britain to be taken out of Our EU.  Our economic future, and World Peace, are far too important to jeopardise just because a handful of 17,410,742 bigoted people happened to mark a cross on a ballot paper last Thursday, on a racist whim!

Those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – now need to listen to working people, in order to hear all of their concerns and fears for the future. It is only by doing this, friends, that we can understand what they are thinking, and thereby put their minds at rest by explaining to them exactly how and why they are wrong.

And, friends, let us forget entirely about having another Referendum!  Issues on matters like whether Britain should be a self-governing nation are really far too important to be made in this way.  Let us, instead, let important issues like this be decided by our greatest Parliamentarians, whose intellectual calibre cannot be questioned, e.g. Friend Lammy. [Hang on, Lefty – isn’t he on your List of Far-Right Red Tory Traitors to be deselected? – J.C.  Sssshhhhh, Jeremy! – L.]

Let us sing together, friends, in celebration of Our EU!

Anyway, friends, let us conclude on our usual musical note!  And today it should surely be my rather wonderful Ode To EU, given that all of us on the Progressive Left now regard Our EU as the best thing since Our USSR.  All together now, friends:

So raise the EU Flag high, whilst supporting Our EU all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a *second Remain vote by a landslide,

Though Kippers and Far-Right Knockers flinch, and anti-EU traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Leave scum, and keep the EU Flag flying here! 

.

[*I thought you’d decided not to have a second Referendum, Lefty? – J.C.  Oh Jeremy, don’t be such a pedant! I’d have to completely rewrite the second line, and that would ruin the whole sense of the piece. – L.  Whatever. – J.C.]

 

 

All Of Us On The Progressive Left Must Fight To Save Our Jeremy Against The Far-Right Red Tory Traitors, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And, if the truly appalling result of the totally unnecessary, unwanted and above all undemocratic Referendum was not tragic enough, news is now reaching me that a tiny group of Far-Right infiltrators – e.g. most of the Shadow Cabinet and practically all of the Parliamentary Labour Party – is now conspiring to topple Our Jeremy from his rightful place, which is where he is right now, as Our Leader.

Rank treachery, friends!

Friends, this is rank treachery!  Jeremy did not become Leader of the Labour Party with the overwhelming mass support of the British public – admittedly – but he did receive the full support of 250,000 odd people holding a very diverse set of Far-Left Progressive views, e.g. Trotskyists, Communists, Anarchists, Stalinists, Leninists, Maoists, Greens, and Our Junior Doctors.  Furthermore, I am reliably informed that he even received several thousand votes from Tories and Kippers, such was the depth of his popular appeal!

What is to be done now, friends?

The only answer, friends, is to accelerate the plans, as set out in my Blog a few weeks ago, to deselect the Far-Right Red Tory Traitors (full list here).  That will provide us on the Progressive Left with the necessary momentum [Groan! – J.C.] to forge ahead to bring about a New Progressive Britain, in a New Progressive Europe, which needless to say Labour will immediately re-apply to join, just as soon as we have won the next election. [Hang on, Lefty – we can’t just re-join the EU like that, can we?  Surely we should abide by the result of the Referendum, however disappointed some of us are by it? – J.C.  Really, Jeremy!  Sometimes I almost begin to doubt your personal commitment to Our EU! – L.  No comment! – J.C.]

Jeremy’s defiant anthem, friends!

And now, friends, a special treat for you all!  Jeremy is going to sing for us all!

Lineup:

Jeremy: Lead Guitar, Lead Vocals

Me: Rhythm Guitar, Backing Vocals

Our John: Little Read Book!  No – only joking, John! Bass Guitar, Backing Vocals

Diane: Organ, Piano, backing vocals

Seamus: Venezuelan-style Percussion.

Readers: Please feel free to sing along, friends!  All together now:

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never lead Labour
Without the Far-Right by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how they did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along.
And so they’re stabbing me in the back
From outer space
I just walked in to find them there resigning
With gloating looks on their faces
I should have changed that stupid Shadow Team
I should have made them hand in their briefs
If I had known for just one second
They’d keep on botherin’ me with their treachery.

Go on now go walk out the Shadow Cabinet
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome, you Far-Right gits
Weren’t you the ones who tried to hurt me 
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and resign?
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to fight Neoliberalism
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my political life to live
I’ve got all my Socialism to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive (hey-hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken Party
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I’m not that chained up little backbencher
Still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping Socialism
And just expect me to agree
And now I’m saving all my Socialism
For all the working people who love me.

[Repeat chorus]

 

Those Of Us On The Progressive Left Must Now Start To Listen To What The Voters Are Really Saying, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I’m quite sure that all of you are as sad and downcast as I am on this utterly depressing day.  For myself, I have done nothing but sob uncontrollably at the tidal wave of hatred, bigotry, racism and outright Fascism that has been unleashed in this Hate Campaign, which has been a totally sickening and disgraceful spectacle, and one which has had chilling echoes of 1930s National Socialist Germany, except that this was a lot worse, because although it was undoubtedly a National campaign, it was not in any way Socialist.

Hyperbole

As I’m sure you all realise, this is easily the worst tragedy to befall Our EU since Hitler burned down the Reichstag, which as we all know would never have happened had Our EU been in existence then, because Our EU’s Health and Safety regulations – mocked and belittled by the Hard Right as they are – would have totally forbidden such a dangerous act from being carried out in the first place.  (See EU REG 39572047290 Parts 2-9(a), An Outline Guide to the Rules Surrounding The Ignition of Public Buildings By Lunatics With the Name Of Hitler, Section IIIA, subsections (iii)-(ix) .)

Camoron must resign, friends!

Friends, this totally unnecessary and irrelevant so-called Referendum is all the fault of Friend Dave Bullingdon Bully Boy Camoron!  After all, had he not offered this totally unwanted so-called Referendum, and then compounded this grave error by winning the May 2015 General Election – which Labour would have won, had it not been for the vicious Exit Poll, plus Our Ed’s Far-Right Neoliberal policies, which drove millions of voters to vote for the Tories and UKIP in protest – we would never be in this disastrous situation, quite frankly!

Furthermore, friends, Camoron has completely mishandled the Referendum campaign, by his soft-pedalling of the positive case for Britain staying in Our EU – which is so obvious that we do not need to spell it out, which is why we never do – and also for deliberately understating the very real and terrifying dangers of this totally illegitimate Leave vote, i.e. total economic collapse, accelerating Climate Change, World War III and higher roaming charges all over the world, and indeed elsewhere.

We in the Labour Party therefore demand that Camoron resigns as Prime Minister, and stands down by October at the latest.  If, by any slim chance, he has done this by the time you read this Blog, you can rest assured that it is because of the huge power and influence of the Progressive Left in general and … well, sheer modesty forbids me from mentioning this particular Blog, the influence of which is so immeasurable that nobody has ever bothered to measure it.

Strong Message Here

It is quite obvious, friends, that the British people have used this Referendum to send all of us on the Progressive Left a strong message, which can be summed up as follows:

The British people are quite frankly sick and tired of this totally unelected Tory Government, which instead of investing in Our EU – e.g. by increasing our annual contribution to the EU Budget from its current miserly, paltry and totally inadequate level – has callously imposed extreme Austerity on some of the poorest and most vulnerable people in society, i.e. Our Junior Doctors, who are constantly being taunted by Far-Right Bullingdon Bully Boys, e.g. Priti Patel, sadistically quaffing champagne whilst burning £50 notes in front of them, while they are forced to work 95-hour weeks on Zero-Hour Contracts whilst struggling to pay ever-higher Bedroom Taxes.

Got it, friends!

And we’ve got the message, friends, loud and clear!  We also know that many of you are deeply worried about the level of immigration in to this country.  And we agree with you – it is of course far too low, and we shall, upon taking office, immediately take steps to increase it from the current pathetic and derisory level of a few hundreds of thousands per year, to several millions per year.  That will prove that we are a Listening Government, friends!

Puzzled, friends!

I know that some of you are extremely worried that an ardent European like Jeremy might be utterly downcast by last night’s vote.  But I have good news for you! Rather surprisingly, friends, Jeremy actually seems to be taking this terribly sad news remarkably well.

As the results came in last night, I couldn’t help observing that his smiles grew ever-broader, his laughs louder and heartier, and his general mood more and more sunny, even as the news for us passionate Europeans got steadily more depressing.  What a tribute this is to Jeremy’s general stamina and ability to withstand the hard knocks of political life, friends!

Let us sing together, friends!

Now that the Tories are totally falling apart over Europe, and that we in the Labour Party remain totally united on this subject – representing all those British people who haven’t been taken in by the thoroughly nasty, xenophobic, racist, bigoted nature of the Far Right – let us just quietly, and with the great dignity for which Our Great Movement is justly renowned, sing, at the top of our voices, my sensitively updated version of the chorus of that musical and lyrical classic, The Red Flag.  All together now, friends:

So raise the scarlet standard high, whilst supporting Our Jeremy all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a 2020 Election landslide,

Though the Banksters and the 1% flinch, and Red Tory traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Tory scum, and keep the Red Flag flying here!

What An Absolutely Wonderful Victory Against Far-Right Racist Neoliberal Fascism We Have Won Today, Friends!

Friends!  My apologies for this Blog not being entirely, er, up to speed on current events.

I wrote the piece below, about Our Remain Camp’s stunning victory today, yesterday, before the truly devastating events of last night became apparent.

Friends, this is the worst news for those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – since Our Ed’s stunning defeat in last year’s totally rigged Election, which we only lost because of the vicious Exit Poll!

I shall need to revise this Blog somewhat, friends. Please bear with me. I shall return in due course.

ORIGINAL DRAFT:

Hello, friends.

And I have a feeling that all of you are as happy as I am about the great victory that we on the Progressive Left – e.g. Our Goldman Sachs, Our CBI, Our IMF, Our Treasury, Our Government, Our Dave, Our George – have won against the forces of Far-Right racist neoliberal Fascism, e.g. Dennis Skinner, George Galloway, Arthur Scargill and the Socialist Workers Party!

Friends, let us pause to consider what we have achieved in the last few weeks of campaigning!  Against all the odds – and against the ferocious opposition of the entire Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the BBC, whose blatant anti-EU bias has been obvious to even the meanest intelligence, i.e. me – we have pulled off a stunning victory, which has totally stunned me, and I’m quite sure is stunning all of you in its sheer, overwhelming stunningness.

Puzzled, friends!

I have to confess, though, friends, that one thing has puzzled me slightly, and maybe some of you can help answer this question for me:

Why, friends, is Jeremy seemingly not totally overjoyed by this, er, stunning victory that we have pulled off in the teeth of Far-Ri [OK, OK, Lefty, no need to keep on bloody repeating yourself. – J.C.  Really, Jeremy!  You do seem remarkably tetchy on this totally joyful morning! – L.  No comment! – J.C.]

See what I mean, friends?  And Jeremy has been like this ever since the results started coming in last night. For some reason, as the scale of our victory over the Far-Right became steadily clearer, his face darkened, his mood got steadily worse, and his speech increasingly consisted of short words that cannot possibly be reproduced in a Blog that is intended for family reading by the fireside – nor, come to that, even in this Blog.

Strong Breakfast Here, friends!

At breakfast this morning, Jeremy didn’t even finish his baked beans, friends!  He snapped at Diane, told Seamus to – I quote his words exactly – “Piss off, you poncy public school git!” and even kicked the cat, or would have, had he had one.

Well, friends, despite Jeremy’s rather foul mood, I’m Remaining (geddit!  Who says that those of us on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour?) resolutely upbeat, as the scale of our victory becomes steadily more apparent!  And I shall Leave [Oh just fuck off, Lefty. – J.C.  Gosh, Jeremy – you really did get out of the wrong side of bed this morning! – L.  I didn’t go to bed last night, Lefty, as you well know. – J.C.] you all, on this totally joyful morning, with my fully-updated version of Ode To EU, which reflects the great victory that we on the Progressive Left have achieved. All together now, friends:

So, friends, let us raise the EU Flag high, whilst supporting Our EU all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, as we’ve won the Remain vote by a landslide,

Though Kippers and Far-Right Knockers flinched, and anti-EU traitors predictably sneered,

We’ve totally smashed the evil Leave scum, and we’ll keep the good ol’ EU Flag flying here! 

Let’s Cancel This Totally Unnecessary, Undemocratic and Divisive So-Called Referendum, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I expect you are all as appalled, shocked and sickened as I am about the way that this so-called Referendum has turned out, i.e. the Leave side’s totally disgusting and unscrupulous behaviour, e.g. disputing the totally undisputable facts and statistics that have been specially provided for us all by highly respected institutions, e.g. Our Treasury, Our IMF and Our Goldman Sachs, whose economic forecasts are, as we all know, as accurate and reliable as they are impartial.

Wrong, friends!

The Leave campaign are using the totally spurious argument that all the experts that we on the Remain side cite for our case have been wrong in the past – e.g. in favour of Britain joining the ERM; predicting disaster if Britain left the ERM; in favour of Britain joining the Euro; predicting disaster if Britain failed to join the Euro; failing to predict the Great Crash; failing to predict that interest rates would remain low for as long as they have; etc. etc.

Friends, this is no argument at all!  First of all, experts are experts, and whether their predictions turn out to be correct or not surely does not detract from this in any way whatsoever.  Expecting experts to be right all of the time – or indeed, any of the time – is totally unreasonable.  Their job is to make predictions, not to be right, friends!

And secondly, friends, the fact that the experts have been wrong about so many issues for so long surely  means that, on this particular issue, they must almost certainly be right.  They can’t continue to be wrong indefinitely, surely?  Just on statistical grounds alone, there must be a very good chance that, after producing such an impressively consistent run of totally incorrect predictions, they must finally be right this time.

The positive case for Our EU, friends!

Not that the Remain side has been totally without its faults, friends!  We have consistently failed to make the truly positive case for staying in Our EU, which is so blindingly obvious I hardly need point it out, so I won’t.

Mistakes, friends!

Furthermore, Our Dave (formerly known as the Far-Right Bullingdon Bully Boy Camoron) has made several mistakes in his warnings about the terrifying consequences of Brexit, i.e. World War III (which he never actually said, friends!), accelerating Climate Change, total economic collapse, falling house prices, and higher roaming charges.

Yes, friends – Our Dave has wildly understated the risks of Brexit: it would be far worse than that. To give just one example, this Blog would lose its special EU-funded status, without which it could not possibly maintain the standards of accuracy and impartiality for which it is widely known and respected by all fair-minded, objective and heavyweight commentators, i.e. myself.

Defeated, friends!

So, friends, where do we go from here?  The Leave side has been completely defeated in every single so-called argument it has made, and indeed even the ones it hasn’t made.  And now all they can do is take refuge in personal abuse and ad hominems, which quite frankly is all one can expect from that particular pack of hate-filled serial liars, adulterers, racists and vile Far-Right Fascist scum, whose breathtaking hypocrisy and lack of self-awareness are truly staggering!

Let us hold an annual Celebration Of Our EU Day, friends! 

I propose, friends, that we cancel this totally unnecessary and divisive so-called Referendum, which in any case nobody wants, apart from a few million bigoted people who have been totally brainwashed by the predictable lies of the Far-Right Murdoch Controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the Hard-Right BBC, whose extreme anti-EU bias is blatantly obvious to even the meanest intelligence, i.e. myself.

Instead, friends, let us use the money saved in cancelling this totally unwanted and undemocratic so-called referendum to hold an annual Our EU Day, in which every year, on 23rd June, we can hold a special Day of Celebration of Our EU, and all the multifarious benefits it has bequeathed, which are so self-evident I hardly need to mention them, so I won’t.

Strong EU Message Here

And, friends, I have even composed a special song, in celebration of the forthcoming cancellation of the Referendum, which I am sure will now be agreed, given the compelling case made by this Blog, whose influence is now felt all over the world, and indeed elsewhere.  All together now, friends:

We don’t need no Referendum 
We just need some thought Hate control
No Leave votes in the polling booth
People leave Our EU alone
Hey! People! Leave Our EU alone!
All in all it’s just another brick in the wall.
All in all you’re just another brick in the wall.

(Repeat ad infinitum)

EXCLUSIVE: The Dark Lord Of Mordor Warns Of “Extreme Perils” Of Brexit, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And today, I bring the gravest warning yet of the perils of Brexit.

In an exclusive interview with this Blog, the Dark Lord of Mordor, Sauron, has warned that any attempt by Britain to leave the EU “will be met by the utmost resistance, with consequences that are quite literally incalculable”.

Our Sauron expressed extreme displeasure at what he called the “totally xenophobic” attitude of the Leave Campaign, claiming that Mordor was “highly unlikely” to join the EU for many years – and at any rate, certainly not before June 24th – as it had not yet managed to fudge meet the EU’s “extremely strict” rules for joining.  For instance, the excessive carbon emissions from the Cracks of Doom were just one problem that had yet to be resolved, although some executives from Volkswagen were providing some “highly useful advice” on this matter.

Racist Leavers, friends!

“Why you British are so obsessed about this ‘sovereignty’ business, I’ll never understand”, sighed Our Sauron, as his personal assistant, Our Gollum, scuttled around, hissing angrily about “the nasssssty Leaverssssssss” and muttering ferociously about his “precious EU”.

“After all”, he continued, “what is sovereignty, in this day and age?  We need to pool our sovereignty for the Common Purpose Good, and stop obsessing about all this ‘self-determination’ nonsense”, he added.

When I asked him why he was so eager for Britain to be part of the EU, when Mordor was not yet a member, he went rather quiet for a moment.  Then, weighing his words carefully, he averred that Britain had always “held a special fascination” for him, but that he thought it was “very out-of-date in its outlook”, and that it was “high time to ring [Groan! – J.C.] the changes, in order to bring about the kinder, gentler politics that I gather many of your politicians far-sighted statespersons want to bring about, who are being thwarted by undemocratic elements, i.e. the British people”.

The Positive Case for Our EU, friends!

Our Sauron told me that Mordor has “a lot to contribute to the way Our EU is proceeding”, praising what he described as “the unique way in which the EU is funded”, and “the remarkable way in which laws are made, which do not depend on anything as fickle as so-called public opinion for them to be passed”.

He assured me that Mordor was “extremely eager to play its full part in the New Europe that is being created under the inspired leadership of Mrs Merkel”, and pledged that “my Ring Wraiths will of course be only too happy to ensure that all of her plans are implemented”.  Asked how this could be achieved, he explained that his Ring Wraiths were “exceptionally good at detecting and preventing all forms of Hate Crime, e.g. Hate Speech and Hate Thought, which are inevitable concomitants of Hate Action”.

“Hate Action?”, I queried Our Sauron, not quite sure what he meant.

His reply was grave: “Hate Action is any action which is liable to in any way interfere with the plans that we have already set in motion for a New Europe, e.g. a vote to Leave.  Let me make it absolutely clear” – his red, lidless eyes seemed to grow ever-more penetrating at this point – ” that the new, kindler, gentler Europe will have no place for Far-Right Neoliberal Fascism, and that all forms of intolerance will be utterly SMASHED!”  At this last word, he brought his fist crashing down, in the process utterly destroying the rather beautiful oak table we were seated at.

A warning, friends!

I was about to remonstrate with him for the needless destruction he had wreaked, when he vanished in to thin air, along with Our Gollum, leaving behind only a trail of evil-smelling, putrid, black smoke in his wake.

Could all of this have been a dream, friends?  For a minute or two I wondered about this, especially when, as the thick smoke cleared, I could see that the oak table that Our Sauron had smashed in to smithereens was seemingly whole again.

But then, peering at it more closely, I could see an inscription that had been carved in to the table top. It read as follows:

Three Rings for the EU Presidents under the sky,
Seven for the EU Commissioners in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

***********************************************************

Friends, if this timely warning from Our Sauron is not enough to make you all vote Remain, then I frankly despair!  Let us now sing, in celebration of his timely intervention, our Ode To EU, which I’m sure you all know by now:

So raise the EU Flag high, whilst supporting Our EU all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a Remain vote by a landslide,

Though Kippers and Far-Right Knockers flinch, and anti-EU traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Leave scum, and keep the EU Flag flying here! 

Friend Warsi’s Defection To The Remain Camp Changes Everything, Friends!

Hello, friends.

And I expect that all of you are as stunned as I am that Baroness Warsi – or Friend Warsi, as we should now call her – has defected to the Remain Camp.

As we all know, friends, Friend Warsi was a prominent Leaver, whose name was practically synonymous with Vote Leave, and whose anti-EU rhetoric was notorious, if subtle, e.g. her comment in 2011 that “Now is not the time to turn our backs on our friends. We must continue the work we have started together. This is the work that Margaret Thatcher began, bringing about growth through a competitive single market. And that must be our mission today.”

Ridiculous

Friends, Friend Warsi’s defection to Remain changes everything!  Up until now, as regular readers will be aware, this Blog has been strictly impartial about Our EU – almost as impartial as Friend Warsi, in fact.

But her defection has finally persuaded this Blog to come off the fence, nail our colours to the mast, grasp the bull by both horns, clutch the nettle, open the Pandora’s Box and come out fighting on our knees, with our backs to the Wall of Jericho, friends!  And we will fight, fight and fight again to save Our EU, which we love and cherish!

Nonsense, friends!

Friends, the EU may not be totally perfect – though, heaven knows, it is closer to perfection than anything else in this so-called World of ours, or indeed elsewhere! After all, friends, what other institution has such an impressive list of achievements to its credit?

Not merely did it nurture many of our most creative artists, e.g. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Elgar, The Beatles, Tracey Emin etc., but by dint of preventing World War III – the outbreak of which, friends, as Friend Cameron has reminded us, is a cast-iron certainty should Britain be so foolish as to leave Our EU – it has also enabled all of us to remain alive to enjoy their work.

And if that isn’t enough to persuade you, friends, then hopefully Our Jeremy’s [I was wondering when you were going to mention me, Lefty! – J.C.] steadfast and consistent support for Our EU over the past 9 months should surely do the trick!

Strong Message Here

Friends, all of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – must now rally behind Our Dave and other progressive elements, i.e. Our IMF, Our Goldman Sachs, Our NATO, Our CBI etc. etc. to save Our EU, which is under sustained attack by Hard-Right elements, i.e. Dennis Skinner, Arthur Scargill, George Galloway and the Socialist Workers Party!

Let us sing together, friends!

Which brings us to what I know is for many of you the favourite part of this Blog! Yes, it’s time to sing my specially-written paean of praise to Our EU!  And in honour of Friend Warsi’s smartly-timed and totally principled defection to whatever camp it is she’s currently defected to, I have assembled a totally new Band, with her taking the starring role:

Lineup:

Friend Warsi: Lead Vocals

Friend Dave, Our Jeremy: Piano Duet, Backing Vocals

Our Boy George: Falsettos, Emergency Tax Rises, Tory Essential Cuts

Our President Juncker: Percussion, Pleas, Threats

Readers: please sing along, friends! All together now:

So raise the EU Flag high, whilst supporting Our EU all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a Remain vote by a landslide,

Though Kippers and Far-Right Knockers flinch, and anti-EU traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Leave scum, and keep the EU Flag flying here! 

 

All Of Us On The Progressive Left Must Fight Together To Save Our Dave, Friends!

(Note: This blog has been produced with the aid of a grant from two of our new friends, Our Goldman Sachs and Our J.P. Morgan, who we on the Progressive Left now realise are part of a Great Progressive Movement which includes many other progressive elements, e.g. The Bosses Our CBI, The Rapacious Our 1% and The Evil Our Banksters, The Neoliberal Our IMF, The War-Mongering Our NATO and Our EU Commissioners, along with Those Red Tory Traitors Friends Mandelson and Bliar Blair, The Fascist Friend Heseltine, Pathetic Grey Man Friend John, and  Unelected EU Bureaucrat Friend Juncket, and many other Progressive Friends.)

Hello, friends.

And I am sure that you are all as alarmed as I am by the news that certain Opinion Polls – those notoriously notorious tools of the 1% and the Banksters – have recently moved in favour of Far-Right Neoliberal Fascism, i.e. the so-called Leave camp.

Friends, we cannot possibly leave Our EU now!  It would be the end of Our EU as we know it! We simply cannot afford to take the risk!

Crazy neoliberalism, friends! 

Consider this point, friends.  At present, as part of the extremely good deal we receive for our very modest membership fee, the EU generously produces around 60% of all our new laws.  So if, friends, we were so foolish as to leave Our EU, how could the British Parliament possibly make up the difference?

Does anyone seriously believe that this totally unelected Tory Government would be capable of generating all the highly-necessary laws that Our EU benevolently provides, for instance, to ban electric toasters, hair-dryers and lawn-mowers that use too much power (i.e. any)?

Such measures are, after all, an indispensable part of Our Great Fight Against Man-Made Catastrophic Climate Change, which, friends, must not be confused with weather, e.g. that awful thunderstorm we had the other day, which was obviously firm proof of Man-Made Catastrophic Climate Change, which well over 100% of all scientists in the world, and indeed elsewhere, agree has absolutely nothing to do with weather.

Total double-think, friends!

Friends, as you are all doubtless aware, this Blog is Camoron’s fiercest critic, and even now I do not resile from any of my previous comments about him, especially as they were made in the past, and in any case have been taken totally out of context, e.g. my recent comment in the Guardian, in which I said that “The hated Camoron is, as we all know, a Far Right Neoliberal whose views are held in total contempt by all fair-minded people on the Progressive Left, i.e. myself.”

Cameron is, after all, a Bullingdon Bully Boy, as well as a man who would have been a Bankster, had he been one.  He has totally destroyed Britain by his policy of reckless Far-Right Tory Austerity, in which Government spending has been slashed from £692 billions (as Our Gordon used to call them – no singular “billion” for Our Gordon!) in 2010, to only £760 billions in 2016 – that’s a full £68 billions difference, friends, whatever Hard Right neoliberal elements, i.e. Liam Byrne, might claim!

Furthermore, Mr. Cameron has led the most Right-wing Government in British history, which has attacked and destroyed the lives of some of the poorest and most vulnerable people in our society – which Thatcher denied the existence of, and then destroyed – i.e. Our Junior Doctors, who are now forced to work 95-hour weeks on Zero Hour Contracts for poverty wages in Our NHS, which this vindictive Government is now totally destroying by privatisation, e.g. by forcing it to operate a totally unnecessary 7-day service, which it already does in any case, and which is the envy of the world and indeed elsewhere.

Let us support Our Dave in his Hour Of Need, friends!

But, friends, on the grave matter of Our EU, it has to be said that Friend Cameron is absolutely correct, and we on the Progressive Left must give him our full support.

There has been a series of totally nauseating and despicable attacks recently on Friend David by the Far-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the woman in the Sky News audience last week, regarding his surely-indisputable point that, were Britain so reckless as to leave our EU, World War Three would surely result – a typical smear that is sadly all too common in this particular world of ours, and which Dave never actually said in any case.

What Friend Dave actually said was very different, friends! He merely pointed out that before Our Reformed EU was created, Europe suffered from two World Wars, in which millions of people died; and that if Britain were to be so foolish and reckless as to leave Our Reformed EU, this would almost certainly lead to another one.

How, friends, anyone can twist Our Dave’s words in such a way is beyond me! He never even used the term “World War Three”, friends! At this rate, his detractors will soon be claiming that he was predicting catastrophic economic consequences for the UK should we leave the EU! (Which, in any case, is perfectly true, friends.)

Strong Message Here

Friends, it is time for those of us on the Progressive Left – and there are many of us, friends, e.g. me – to rally behind Friend Our Dave and ensure a Progressive Vote for Our Reformed EU on 23rd June!  To this end, in addition to assembling a new Band (details below), I have also amended the lyrics of our traditional end-of-Blog song to reflect this – I’m sure Jeremy won’t mind, as he is, I am quite sure, as enamoured with Our New Best Friend Dave as I am! [This is surely a wind-up, Lefty? – J.C.  Really, Jeremy!  I am being as serious as I always am. – L. Thank heavens for that! – J.C.]

Line-up: 

Our Dave: Lead Guitar, Lead Vocals, World War Three Sound Effects

Our Boy George: Rhythm Guitar, Coke, Banshee Screams

Our John (Old Major): Organ duet with Friend Edwina, Peas

Assorted Friends From This Our Totally UnElected Tory Government: Drums, Percussion, Sycophants

Readers: please sing along, friends! All together now:

So raise the EU Flag high, whilst supporting Our Dave all the time,

Beneath its shade we’ll live and die, and win a Remain vote by a landslide,

Though the Kippers and Far-Right Knockers flinch, and anti-EU traitors predictably sneer,

We’ll totally smash the evil Leave scum, and keep Our Dave in No. 10 for many more years!