And I expect that you are all as literally thrilled as I am by Jeremy’s new Shadow Cabinet! Wow, it really is literally stuffed with high-calibre talent, isn’t it, friends? And with Our Diane and Our Emily now in leading roles, along with the Far-Right Red Tory Traitor Tom Watson for political balance, not even the most Hard-Right of our political detractors can deny that it contains some literally heavyweight politicians, too!
Isn’t it marvellous too, friends, that Our Baroness Shami has become Shadow Attorney General? And, by the way, for any of those cynics and knockers who claim that this is some kind of reward for her discovery that there is absolutely no anti-Semitism in the Labour Party – which in any case, friends, is a problem which affects all the main political parties – I can only say that finding no anti-Semitism in the Labour Party involved a great deal of extremely diligent and painstaking work, which deserved a reward, which of course was not given. Oh no, friends! We in the Labour Party are not like those Hard-Right Tories who viciously place their paid lackeys in to the House of Lords! [Hang on, Lefty – didn’t we put Shami in the House of Lords? – J.C. That’s not the point, Jeremy! This is completely different, because we’re not Hard-Right Tories! – L.]
I am very glad, too, that Friend John is remaining as Shadow Chancellor, as there is literally nobody else in the world, or indeed elsewhere, who has his understanding of economics! His Little Read Book is literally terrifying the Tories to death, friends!
Selecting the rest of the Shadow Cabinet was no easy task, friends! Once Jeremy and I had literally weeded out the 172 Hard-Right Red Tory Traitors who viciously voted against him in June’s Vote Of Confidence – in which, never let it forgotten, friends, he won an impressive 40-vote victory – along with everyone on this Blog’s List of Far-Right Red Tory Traitors To Be Deselected, there was literally no-one left, or should I say Left! (Not a bad little joke there eh, friends! And to think that there are Hard-Right elements who claim that those of us on the Progressive Left have no sense of humour!)
So, how did Jeremy and I manage to fill all the vacancies in the Shadow Cabinet? I can hear you all ask. [More voices in your head, Lefty? You really need help! – J.C. Oh Jeremy! Surely you of all people should know that, thanks to Hard-Right Tory Austerity, there is literally no help for anyone who needs it! Which, by the way, I don’t, you cheeky monkey! – L.]
Some very confidential information for you all, friends!
Well, friends, I am sorry to say that I am not at liberty to reveal such highly-confidential information. My lips, friends, are literally sealed!
Having said that, it’s a pretty impressive Shadow Cabinet, isn’t it, friends? Even if people haven’t actually heard of some – or indeed any – of the new members, thanks to the vicious censorship of the Hard-Right Murdoch-controlled Monopoly Media, e.g. the Far-Right BBC whose anti-Socialist, neoliberal bias is obvious to even the meanest intelligence, i.e. me, it is surely obvious that the widely-hated Hard-Right Bullingdon Bully Boy May is utterly terrified of Our Shadow Cabinet!
Which is why, friends, we in the Labour Party, along with other Progressive Left elements, must prepare ourselves for an early General Election, which Jeremy is convinced that the cowardly May will be – literally – calling within months.
I have to confess, friends, that I am a little confused [More than a little, Lefty! – J.C. Jeremy, behave! – L.] as to why the widely-hated May would call an early election, given that, as we all know, this totally unelected Tory Government is so widely hated. But I have no doubt whatsoever, friends, that whenever she calls that election, the result will be – literally – a landslide!
Let us sing together, friends!
Anyway, friends, let us finish in a more traditional way than we’ve done in my more recent Blogs! Instead of having my Band play a rather raucous pop song, let us now, quietly, and with the great dignity that This Great Movement Of Ours is so justly famous for, sing, at the top of our voices, that uplifting chorus from my updated version of that musical and lyrical classic, the Red Flag. (Diane – I know you’re very busy with your new responsibilities, whatever they are, but could you just stop shouting “Racist!” for literally just one second, and play the organ for us? Thanks!) All together now, friends: