Good morning, friends, and if your collective ears were burning last night, here is the reason why!
Jeremy and I were talking about you all! Yes, I know, it’s unbelievable! But please just bear with me for a while, as it gets more unbelievable still!
A bit of context … we’d just finished our rather delicious supper of cold baked beans (straight from the tin – absolutely yummy, and no washing up needed afterwards that way!) and had enjoyed yet another stimulating episode of that excellent BBC documentary, the name of which temporarily eludes me, about the lives of ordinary working people living and struggling heroically against Tory Austerity in London’s East End, when Jeremy came right out with the following observation, which I don’t mind telling you knocked me sideways and set me bang to rights:
“Lefty”, he said – we always use first names in private – “that new blog of yours – it seems almost too good to be true, if you know what I mean.”
“Sorry, Jeremy, I don’t know what you mean!”, I rather wittily replied. “What do you mean by ‘if you know what I mean’ in this particular context?” I queried.
“Well, Lefty”, Jeremy said slowly, “as you know, we on the Left in general, and I in particular – we’re used to getting a lot of brickbats from the Far Right Media, with lots of personal attacks on us. Thing is, your blog is so uncritical about me, it just seems, well, as I said, almost too good to be true!”
To which I explained to Jeremy that it seemed only fair to give him, and I quote my words exactly, “a fair crack of the whip in this blog, because I know how sick you must be of all the knockers” – I couldn’t help but notice a slightly puzzled look cross his brow at the latter word – “and the whole point of this blog is to redress the balance”.
“Fair enough”, Jeremy averred. “But even the comments underneath your pieces – they are almost 100% in support of us. Presumably this means that you are deleting quite a few of the more critical comments that undoubtedly are being made? It seems a bit strange that no criticisms are being made about me. After all, Lefty” – and here he chuckled self-deprecatingly – “even I am not that perfect!”
“As it happens, Jeremy”, I stated firmly, looking him straight in the eye all the time, “I have never yet deleted any critical comments about you. I have not needed to, because” – and at this point I had not inconsiderable difficulties in containing my pent-up emotions – “all my readers feel exactly the same way about you that I do”.
Unless I’m much mistaken – and I usually am – I detected a tear in Jeremy’s eye at this point, which he hastily wiped away with the sleeve of his new jacket which I had purchased for him at the recently-refurbished Oxfam shop in Islington High Street earlier that day. I could also hear a slight quaver of emotion in his reply which went as follows:
“Well, Lefty, all I can say at this particular moment is how very touched and grateful I am, not just to you for your fine Blog, but also to your readers. What fine people they all obviously are – I do hope all of them will join the Party, if they are not already members. We could do with more people like them, given all the Far-Right infiltrators in Labour, who have done nothing but attempt to undermine my Leadership ever since I became Leader last September. Please pass on my grateful thanks to them, and let them know that, when the time comes, I will not be slow to repay them for all the support they’ve given me.”
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Well, isn’t that just something, friends? I bet you’re all as moved as I am! You see – Jeremy does read the comments!
Bye for now, friends – I’m off to prepare my comments on Jeremy’s forthcoming stunning performance at today’s PMQs, in which once again he totally slaughtered Camoron! They’ll be read out on BBC2’s Daily Politics by the fragrant Jo Coburn shortly after 12.30pm – don’t forget to tune in for my totally objective take on Jeremy’s latest huge victory!
SupportOurLefty 
I am humbled to have been mentioned by Our Glorious Leader. Can you ask him to send me his autograph next time you see him.
Being a little short of the filthy lucre at the moment ( I have to MOT the Ferrari next month!)..I would appreciate it being on a blank cheque made out to DN Enterprises (Cayman Islands) Ltd
I have to go now..I am too emotional to continue.
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Thank you, friend. Jeremy will be very happy to send you his autograph, totally free of charge (plus £1000 handling charge – sorry about the latter, but I’m sure you know how postal rates have gone through the roof since the Royal Mail was privatised! Typical Tories eh!).
The blank cheque may be a little more difficult to arrange – let me speak to my good friend John McDonnell about this, as he apparently has a lot of experience in such matters.
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I just watched Jeremy, (isn’t it great we can just call him Jeremy) totally destroy ‘Call Me Dave’ at PMQ’s, by the end I was screaming, I’ve never seen anything like it.
It’s brilliant the way Jeremy asks questions, he makes it look like he hasn’t prepared at all and can just pluck questions on random subjects right out of nowhere.
You could tell our so called Prime Minister was totally amazed.
I thought Richard Burgon, our shadow city minister was excellent too, the way things are progressing, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him taking the baton from Jeremy in the future.
A rising star, made for television, I cant wait to see him in a long interview soon.
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Thank you, friend, as ever, for your very perceptive comments. Yes, Jeremy really does discomfort Camoron, doesn’t he – even the Tory backbenchers can’t contain their laughter at the utter fool Jeremy makes of him every week!
And yes, Richard is definitely a Burg(e)oning talent! When Jeremy retires, probably in 2035 by which time he’ll have served as PM for 15 years, we can definitely consider him, although, of course the sheer amount of talent in the Labour Party is going to make selecting a new leader very difficult! Besides which, Jeremy is going to be a very hard act to follow!
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